The Diva Dyke Diary

First major row

2009-04-08T07:53:00.002+01:00

life sucks again!

special K is now shitty K and very passive aggressive as it turns out. How does an explanation of ones feelings turn into a full blown 2 day row????

living in a one bedroom flat sucks when there are two people living in it and an argument breaks out.

my job is becoming stressful now, handling a high profile individual who has captured the world's media attention and the stress is killing me, my mother is being made homeless due to her landlord not paying the mortgage even though my mum has been paying the rent and now my mum is on jsa at 50 after having lost her job so now she has no money to put down a deposit for another home even with my help, my aunty died 25th feb buried on the 13th march, then her son dies on the 26th march and to top it off I am paying to be depressed every week by attending Weight Watchers and not shifting much weight or putting it on. I am just exhausted. typing this from pda so sorry for not going into great detail now but the atmosphere sucks and talking right now feels pointless.

the argument has turned into the kind that every couple has at some point in their relationship, no one's budging.

I feel under immense pressure to fix things for others or at least offer them solutions but I don't have anywhere that I can turn when I need that sort of help.

I am very analytical and enjoy chewing the fat on isues till I find a solution, pondering possibilities and alternative perspectives to help me gain greater understanding of my life and of people but very few in my life do that. my friend says most intelligent people suffer from depression ...I sometimes find the descriptive word intelligent used in reference to a persons IQ/level if understanding a tad insulting as Monkeys are intelligent, in fact plants have traces of intelligence and even soap powders are being advertised as having "intelligent stain seekers". Nonetheless most people think its a compliment....I remember being schooled on the difference between being intelligent, erudite and genius.... I like to think I sit between the latter two with variations of random stupidity and common intelligence.

today I am staying in bed, doing this allows me to switch off and in some ways I guess make a point,
I haven't been eating again, since sunday well saturday if u include the run up to it where I refused to eat much at all allday then having only chicken and salad at sunday lunchtime.

I know this silence can't continue...I really love her but where do we go from here? I hope to have an epihany over the next day or so

Infertlity is a major fuck up not many can understand

2009-01-26T19:23:00.003Z

No.. Really it's true. Unless you suffer from it you just don't get it! And even when you do... You still don't get it.

Today I had yet another hospital appointment, late one night i decided to email my consultant and demand he see me personally this time as his nurses were not taking my concerns about my scarring seriously.

I got an email back and he scheduled me in. Today I turn up on time and made to sit and wait for TWO HOURS!! OK so there was an emergency but blimey two hours? That's just ridiculous.

Made me late for my next appointment and so have to go an apologise tomorrow for not even showing up. I couldn't even call to let them know that.

Anyway, I am still over weight according to the fucking BMI Chart that has not been altered or updated since the 1950's. I am 6ft tall and a dress size 18 that looks like I am no bigger than a 16 and yet I am still over weight I have lost 8 1/2 lbs in 2 weeks for goodness sake.

Well I need to lose more I know that, I have a really ugly keloid scar now instead of the neat bikini scar I was told I would have after my surgery....it does wonders for my confidence.
I have to wait up to 12 months to receive IVF, its killing me.

Special K's sister and in fact the entire family are brimming with new baby joys and she is going up to visit when her sister has the baby in a couple weeks time, I wont be going. unless you know what it's like to lose a child, have a still born or simply not be able to conceive you wouldn't understand, her sister does.

It has made me really suffer from the green-eyed monster and it makes me mad that it does, I have never envied anyone for anything in my life....except now. I am so mad and bitter about it and mad at myself for being mad. It's no ones fault, and certainly not hers, at times it feels like the only way I can express my frustration is by blaming myself, what did I do wrong in my life, why me? The one thing I really wanted.

I cam home today ..fine not mad.. then her I saw i had to yet again sort dinner, not that I mind usually but shit I also saw the clothes were left in the washing machine from when I put them in this morning and first I was getting help then AGAIN the family call and I am left doing it all myself the bread was burnt in the oven and to make it worse it was the pregnant sister.... Her timing was just off, nothing to do with her I was just pissed.

Special K walked off and left me to it...... again! I just flipped when I opened the oven trying to multi task jobs she hadn't done and saw the burnt offering I just threw it and stormed out, we were also in the midst of a conversation.

I was irrational at that point I know and any other day I would have been fine but the timing was bad, I walked for about an hour int he dark crying looking at the ground feeling numb and angry all at once, nothing worse than being angry about something that isn't any ones fault... it just is.

I have come back home and don't want to talk about it, I think special K got the hint, she has retired to bed at 7:15pm. She sounds like she has been crying but about what I don't know, she isn't the one suffering. She even when in the wrong goes on the defensive and acts mad at you for being mad at her and then she doesn't have to do anything but just be mad.

I would just like her, someone anyone to understand that this is the most gut wrenching, heartbreaking thing to have to deal with aside from death and ill health. She doesn't want to bear children the way I do, she tried to adopt years ago and that fell through and yes she was gutted by that but since she has said that she wouldn't go through that again it was too painful for her which I can understand, but that also mean in my mind that she has come to the conclusion and the acceptance that she will not have kids of her own and that all her efforts are best spent with the kids in their family. I don't have that alternative option.

It gets worse as I get a year older I know. And I know being mad and jealous won't get me any closer to my desire, yet I cant help feeling it. It doesn't take away from the fact that I am happy for those that have children as I really am, sincerely ....but I am just more sad for myself...it hurts, it really hurts right now.

Bad Feeling

2009-01-15T10:18:00.003Z

Woke up today feeling that something is'nt right.

Not sure what it is, not sure why, just something isnt right today and I dont like the feeling, I am a little stressed out with the volunteer work I am doing, need to find cash but this is the perfect job from me and I want to continue, need to get sponsorship of some kind.

I am tired and stressed today, I seem to be getting more and more work to do for this thing and in a way it is ok I love it and it satiates the control freak in me, on the other hand I can see a catch 22 situation happening, I think I am the best person for the job and like the control but then when I get stressed out I dont have anyone to take the load for me.

I am watching the programme http://www.comedy.org.uk/guide/tv/plus_one/ in hope it will make me laugh.

What do you do when your girlfriend leaves you to marry Duncan from boyband Blue? You decide to outshine them on their wedding day, that's what!

Plus One follows the best efforts of Rob Black as he tries to secure a beautiful woman as his date to the wedding in an attempt to get his own back on his ex-girlfriend.

Struggling to restore his self-esteem after his girlfriend Linsey left him and a freak sewage pipe explosion wrecked his flat, Rob can't help comparing Duncan's life to his own miserable existence. Even his family and friends think that Duncan is better than him.

But when he receives an invitation to Duncan and Linsey's wedding, Rob sees an opportunity to get his own back: "I'm single, homeless, sleeping on my sister's couch and everything I own smells of shit, but the invitation says 'plus one'. So, while I'm never going to be as impressive as Duncan from Blue, I'll take a date along who is. I'll be fighting fire with fire. Sexy fire."

Ludicrous as this sounds, Rob strikes gold when his colleague Laura suggests he has a date with her gorgeous flatmate Nicky. Rob takes a purely platonic approach in his mission to secure a beautiful date for the big day, but Nicky's interest in him makes Rob deviate from his original plan: maybe there could be something more there... A disastrous second date nearly ruins everything but Rob reckons that with a bit of top-rank grovelling he could still walk into Linsey's wedding with the most beautiful girl in the world. Unless of course he screws up badly...

Over the five new episodes, with the wedding date fast approaching, Rob becomes increasingly desperate to attract a date that will restore his pride.

It is sort of working LOL.

I am still feeling ...BLUE... LOL... but no that bad.

OMG who has been watching CBB..? Or should I say who isn't!

BEN - Good looking boy, thoughtful, cautious and intelligent

Coolio - Acting like a dick 'ead!! Relentless and annoying, I also think BB should have warned him before now about teasing someone to the point of making them cry that IS Bullying!! especially when they tell you to stop it over and over again.

LaToya - sweet thoughtful and considerate I think she is able to stay calm as she has her own room at night so at least she gets some solitude which is what she is used to.

must go now will list the rest later, mum is coming over and I want to wash up and tidy the house and get dressed. I don't know why I always feel the need to tidy whenever my mum comes round but i do must be the way she raised me and my need for approval that I keep a clean and tidy home.

Highs and lows

2009-01-12T23:05:00.006Z

It's been months I know, I thought I should keep my blog though just in case I felt the need to vent....the time has come again.

My life has been amazingly high and occassionally low. The relationship is as strong as ever and I am still madly in-love with her as I was last year. We live together now! It's nice, no arguing no fights the odd disagreement but mostly laughing and sillyness to keep eachother happy.

That laughter got me through the second surgery my recovery was so quick, I am sure it was because of Special K. Sometimes I think we are too playful, I say she is too silly but that sillyness keeps me sane and kept me sane during the really tough parts of last year.

I was travelling back and forth to Manchester every other weekend and feeling as though I couldnt continue a long distance relationship but we never ended it, no matter how much I wanted the pain to end of being so far and the journeys taking their toll on my health I couldnt let go.

Now a year on from meeting online that fateful day I am living with the love of my life and.......and.....the rest..

Surgery scars that make me cry for the child I have yet to bear and for this I must endure so much physical pain and heartbreak before it is even here. Will it ever happen? Maybe? Maybe not! I have been told I cant have one without assistance from the hospital so...Homerton here I come.

I hate being this age and childless, I hate hearing that oneday it will happen, I hate hearing if it doesnt there are other options...

A tip: if a woman is struggling to conceive and she is venting dont tell her there are other options like adoption or fostering or surogacy.......DONT TELL HER THAT! SHE DOESNT WANT TO HEAR THAT SHIT!!!!! I see a pattern though...women who dont have the desire to have kids themselves physically say that shit to other women.. Men who say it can almost be forgiven.

It's my birthday soon...next week actually.... 31, I am getting older than I wanted to be having my first child and it hurts and makes me sad, so sad i just want to rage at God or whatever is out there that has forced me to jump through hoops to do this, as if I wont have a hard enough job being a parent if it ever happens! And now after the surgery it still may never happen ....no guarantee it will. What did I do? What choice did I make that made me deserve this fight?

Anyway aside from that, I am also volunteering for a terminally ill woman, she is brave and since meeting her she has helped me see how lucky I am but even she said it's different, you have your off days and her pain is no greater than mine she says, somehow I can beg to differ, if I was her I would be mad as hell. I am glad she is in my life, I can see when I make her happy and that is nice. I cant say too much about her as she is quite a noticeable character annd my blog wouldnt be private if I gave more clues away about what I am doing now but I love it.

My Nan died in November, saw her for the first time in years and she was nothing like I remembered, Cancer made her really ill. I cried and cried and cried it was so hard I had never seen someone so ill in my life and never seen someone I love slowly dying before, well now I have someone else in my life whom I love and who is terminally ill, I hope she lives for a long time though. She is only 29.

To be honest I cam on here tonight to winge about poor me, poor poor me so sad tonight because I am not yet a mother, Life is'nt fair, I dont know if I even believe in GOD anymore. I dont think there is one. I dont think good things happen to good people, I dont think bad things happen to bad people, I used to think that if you lived your life good you will live well and get what you deserve.....Am I getting mine??? Maybe somewhere down the line Iwas such a bitch I deserve to not be able to have kids... maybe my Ex was right?!

I'm getting older and I never wanted to be a first time mum past the age of 26 let alone 30.... I personally think it selfish for kids to get old parents, I think it's unfair to have kids too old, I worry enough at 30 about my mum who is 50, about her being safe at night and being able to get around and do things in 10-20 years time....I dont want my kids worrying about that stuff when they are 15-20yrs old!!! Some ...infact I am sure many would disagree but I think it is selfish I saw my friends lives made so miserable because their parents looked like they were the same age of many of our grandparents.....I was the only person they really confided in, I vowed never to put my kids though that especially as a first and possibly only child.

I work all the hours god send on this thing just to help someone other than myself and to try to make a difference, I even came up with a great design to help visually impaired people... the RNIB are in talks with me about it right now and the design concept.

I am raising money for cancer care and research and I am trying to help make a difference....just so that I dont think about what A WASTE my life could have been in a couple years when I am still childless.

I have tried to find support groups as my lovely g/f doesnt understand but I cant seem to find any other lesbians who have had all my issues, PCOS, endometriosis AND Fibroids And a Lesbian. the Lesbain bit is a big factor as I need to be able to identify, Yes I am sure there are straight women out there that could give just as much support.....but it wouldnt be the same at all...it just wouldnt be.

If anyone knows a lesbian with all these issues please do get in-touch I am so lonely with this problem I need someone to talk to who truly gets it and has been where I am or is where I am so we can give mutual support.

Speaking of which I completed my first course in counselling training last year.

I am cat sitting and getting frustrated finding them onthe bed as i invariably wake up with cat fur in my mouth and I hate it.

I am on weight watchers to lose 2 stone before May, with special K - the person not the cereal - I think I can do it this time

Tonight I cant think of anything else I want to say but that I am crying again, Special K is in bed, she knows I am upset and she knows her limits on being able to offer support when it comes to the whole age baby thing, I prefer she just kiss me goodnight and tell me she loves me then to patronise me with talk about other alternatives and the such......

She asked me what I wanted for my birthday yesterday Morning... I said in all seriousness... " A baby please"... If only it were that simple..... I am getting a pair of headphones instead.

If someone gave me one wish it would be that right now...Just to be pregnant will do me thank you.

Truth Hurts

2008-05-02T09:08:00.007+01:00

Even when you are telling it to yourself.....

I have come to that conclusion as recently as yesterday. What is the truth that hurt so much? I am "Codependent".

What does this mean... OK the official breakdown of co dependency is here so hit the link.

http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/CodependantP.html

Coupled with that I also have known for a long time that I am very bossy to those I love and who are in my life as partners or family especially if they simply ask for my advice. Looking at the list above on the link I guess many people ARE codependent to some degree and there must be some positives to being codependent but I feel terrible about it as I acknowledge - reading that list and staying up last night reading up on it and trying to how how I have made it affect my life and my relationships - that I am a codependent bordering on the worst kind.

I feel like crying now as it explains why I am such a control freak when it come to others, why I act the way I do in certain situations and all because of my behaviours, I think I have been smothering her and I now realise that is probably what I have done in all my relationships, I never thought of myself as a "needy" person but guess I am. I am insecure most of the time lately around my g/f,always wanting her to show me she cares.... she obviously does but I think the way I am feeling, no matter if she were to give me the moon it wouldn't be enough.

I am so emotional most of the time its distressing being distressed why? OK well since I saw her last weekend I have been on such a downer not because of her but ME..... I am so frustrated with the situation of having to travel so far almost every weekend but its my fault, I agreed... no let me rephrase that I insisted repeatedly ( controlling) that I go up as it made more sense me only having to pay for the ticket rather than her having to pay for her ticket AND dog boarding fees as the horse if far too big to be in my little flat.

The house is not selling and she is obviously stressed out about that but doing her best which is all anyone can ask for really yet my controlling codependent nature, which i hasten to add I am going to change, she isn't doing things in the most effective way.... OK lets get real and be honest... MY WAY. whilst i am here on this honesty platform I must say it sickens me that I act this way, i have caused an argument with her simply because initially she didn't want me to help her which she has every right to request as her business is exactly that HER BUSINESS and no matter how much I think I can help I have no right to if she doesn't want it.

It hurt, it felt like i was being rejected but that is the common feeling amongst control freaks and co-dependents, and for that I have decided not to talk to her as she shouted at me and also because she didn't say that she wanted me to come up this weekend when i told her that I wasn't going to even though i bought the ticket, she quite rightly called me out and said she was not going to play the chase me game and that I knew where she was if i wanted her.

I was actually upset that she wouldn't. Mind games? yep... am I embarrassed that I tried that old trick? YEP in fact I am thoroughly ashamed of myself. I have ordered two books that seem to get great reviews online by the author Melody Beattie.

And another one

Anyway with both of these books I am hoping to remedy the side that I don't like about me and improve my relationships with people and most importantly with myself, I know I do what I do because it helps me feel wanted needed and valuable, cos lets be honest I don't really.

I don't want to lose her, oh yeah I also forgot to mention that I have categorically stated in an email that I am not going to call her all weekend, said in frustration and anger and also I guess to get a rise out of her or summin', I dunno it was stupid, now she is leaving me messages asking me " why exactly am I not talking to her?" I have no real reason other than I guess I want her to miss me and also so that I can be a coward and not admit my recent findings and that I want 'ME' time to work on it and actually her calling me and even knowing that I am trying to change almost makes it cringey, I don't want her to know or even think I am just some emotional retard, fuck, I guess I am, am I?

In all honesty I am doing what I always do when I feel rejected, I reject back and also withdraw as I am feeling hurt and vulnerable and need to switch off so that I can get a grip of my emotions and that independent side back. It's hard to explain but its almost like I need time to centre myself again in solitude.

I don't mean to shut her out but I don't want to get into a discussion about how I am feeling or behaving I would rather not. I am far too honest and I wouldn't be able to hide how sad I am feeling about it, I know some would say it is not such a big deal but being as insecure as I am I see it as a bad thing about me and I don't want to be bad, I don't want to lose people that enrich and support me, I don't want to feel so needy. the issue is... i cant sort my own life out so I am jumping at the chance to help .....meddle in someone else's.

For example, I am not sure what to do about work I am having no luck finding a perm job and also I am not sure really what will ahppen to me after my op which is in about 5 weeks time. I am scared and frustrated and confused about what to do. everyones else problems seem so much simpler to fix than my own, also lets face it no on is helping me sort mine so really i should be dedicating myself to my own life. WELL ...I am going to change as much as I can my codependency streak..... I know it wont be over night but I am going to try.... God loves a trier and trust me I am begining to see just how trying I really can be.

There must be some positives to be codependent and I don't want to go completely the other way but I need to find the balance.....

Hacked off & Swearing.....ALOT

2008-04-11T15:29:00.015+01:00

OK in settling down to type this I think this has to be the most boring blog ever nothing clever nothing witty, in fact I am feeling really pissed off today and have come to the conclusion that if I dont leave this place I am going to go postal.

I am pissed and bored of this fucking place, the stupid office politics that I try to avoid, and just make all the right noises when I get people moaning to me about shit, I keep telling them I am only a fucking freelancer, and I am doing all I need to do and I dont think I will be here any longer. ROLL ON MAY 6th!!!!!!!

I watched Pay It forward last night and cried from start to finish... A great film a must see for all who have an ounce of altruism in their body.

ok here are my latest purchases which I love

Umbrella by Fulton the royal appointed umbrella makers

Dress By Dotty P

I am not going to wear them together obviously!!! But I would love some shoes that look like the dress or better still plain pink I already have a plain round toe black that looks gorgeous.

I also tried to invest in a super duper sized sports bra for my humungous boobaloobs and it was so big I sent it back as a food hamper.

Tallgirls.co.uk great site back in the day... but now I must admit I think their clothes are average quality wise and also fashion wise not great, the clothes look like they should be sitting in a second rate shop in a really run down area where the owner is trying desperately to sell the last of his stock to anyone who will buy but with counter productive high prices.

I cant tell you the amount of time I have had to send their clothes back for poor quality....... maybe us tall girls are not that picky as when I complain they always say " oh we have never had any issues in the past"... Well fuck me with a feather, that really makes a difference to my opinion doesnt it dear!!!

Whilst I am on a rant, I have realised I would make a SHIT PA as I cant see why I should have to make tea for my boss!!! for instance this company I work for now, the director has a fully equipt kitchen in his private office that is located on its own floor almost like a HUGE loft conversion but he insits on calling upon people ( mainly me) down stairs to make him tea and take it up the rather dizzying flight of stairs just so he doesnt have to go to the next room to make it himself.

GET A FUCKING GRIP!!!! And while ya at it get yourself a wife who doesnt bully you then maybe you wouldnt feel the need to assert your authority at work. DICK WAD.

And on that subject.......I think every company exec has been giving a secret book when they are newly appointed in director-dom on how to pilfer and fiddle the tax man and have numerous companies all in different names and even going so far as to send mail to an address just so that they can look as though they are doing work for an external entity. I am not clued up on maths and the such but summin is really weird when you get to that level in business especially the 'Old Boys club' types, can we say MASONIC LODGE!!!!

And while I am at it why do royal mail insist on fucking up your packages that have the huge red and white FRAGILE tape all over it. I now have to go through the pointless task of trying to claim for an umbrella bought on eBay for £6.50. FUCKING HELL.

They say that swearing is a sign of the unintelligent but who gives a flying red arsed monkey!!!!

And just before I leave..... I have been coming here to this company for almost two years, more on then off and I have decided I am not coming back EVER!!!! Infact if things get really bad I am more swayed to selling my Lesbian arse on eBay to the highest bidder male or female before I consider coming back here.

Updates

2008-04-09T09:59:00.002+01:00

OK here goes....

Joined slimming world cos it is an all you can eat diet the best in my book and since I joined last Tuesday I have lost 4lbs and was told to drop my keggs as this week as I was wearing jeans and they can weigh anything from 1-2lbs and I wasnt wearing them last week at the weigh in.

Joiuned the gym and going tonight for my first Spinning class, was going to join the latest craze CURVES a 30minute work out for busy women but the deal was crap even if the concept was enticing.

Planning on moving to Manchester if I get the job I have just applied for.

Special K has sold the house and hoping to get a job she just applied for, which if things go well we will be on a £60k a year income between us with two homes one in London and one in Manchester, with the job that I went for I will be in London 2-4 times a month so keeping my gorgeous council flat, and I say that without sarcasm it really is gorgeous and I am incredibly lucky and only paying £258.00 a month rent I would be mad to give it up.

I am still madly in lust and in love with special K and the feeling is mutual. I figure that if the worst happens at least I will still have my own home here in London to come back to and lick my wounds.

Also we have decided if we dont get the jobs we want that we will piss off to a Peruvian orphanage for 3-6months and trek around South America till xmas to get the last out of our childless existence as after my Op I wont be able to try for 6moths so baby wont be around till next year if things go well and when it arrives we wont want to go back packing off around the world let alone be able to afford to with a new baby.

Having lots of kinky sex and I even have her exploring her dominant side and OH MY GOODNESS she knows how to read a womans body I have never been so sexually aroused by anyone before especially a "girlfreind" which says alot about my choices in the past I think as I loved them all but didnt fancy them much, but with her OMG!!!! She has also bought me a beautiful collar and when I am good I get to wear it ;o).

What else has happened ....hmmm?.....Found out that there is a huge underground 60's club scene, sounds fun.

I must admit I am so busy living, loving and enjoying my life I forget to update this thing and really put down my thoughts and feelings and the deeper stuff but to be honest it makes a nice change from the near suicidal me that existed only 4 months ago I tell ya.....

My mystery shopping is going really well too I am making some cool dosh to shop and criticise LOL.

My most recent disappointment and unfortunately I was not on an assignment, instead I encountered this of my own free will and spent my own hard earned cash but FENG SUSHI is the BIGGEST PILE OF SHIT when it comes to VALUE FOR MONEY... Can we all say VALUE FOR MONEY?!!!! I wont ever eat there again they are over priced bullsushi.

If you want good sushi and in North London take the time to go else where and as a takeaway visit the one in Seven Sisters, West Green road, the name escapes me but the food is really good and the price is brilliant. not forgetting to mention the brill service and friendly manner.

FENG SUSHI + VALUE FOR MONEY = FUCKING SHITE!! ( in my personal opinion)

OK So I have thought of a way you can all help me, just for fun.... Boys Names. I would like to find more boys names that I like criteria...

Not bog standard like George or Mark ( boring)
Not too experiemental
Sounds good when you shout it ( heehee)
One that has meaning and sounds like someone who is destined for greatness ( heehe)
Any language is fine Chinese names are welcome too as the baby will be half Chinese and half british born Jamaican

So far we have Riley and Bailey but not keen on the latter AT ALL...

Your input and suggestions are much appreciated, some of prefer to not have them published on the blog and as you can see I have respected that :o)

big hugs to all my readers thank you for reading xx

general opinions welcome

Silver Lining

2008-03-18T11:09:00.003Z

Well I am so relaxed I think I am about to fall off my chair and melt into the floor.

Saturday was wonderful, went to see the psychic and as I sat in her very normal and warm family home with its sweet fragrance I relalised that this woman was as unsuspecting as you could get, entering her living room was a woman sitting on a couch readinga take take a break and on closer inspection from the corner of my she appeared to be a member of the "Community" and it transpires she was waiting for her partner who was having a reading.

When my turn arrived i was greeted warmly by a lovely full of life woman with the friendliest of faces, she usehered me into the kitchen and asked me to sit down and shuffle the cards and cut them into three, she then inserted a blank tape into the recorder. My reading began.

Laying the first set of cards out from the top of the deck she commented on my amazing growth as a person in the last few years and that she saw lost of positive things for me, I kept quiet not wanting to give anything away, she went on to tell me the most amazing things, I was definately with the right partner this one was a gem who really believed in me and loved me dearly, she said i can see an ex and " boy you couldnt have chosen qanyone more different a true jekyll and Hyde" in fact she went on to say " this person I can see has three heads and god only knows how manmy more they had" at this I giggled.

She went on to say that my rainbow would be complete and that I am going to have a baby boy and also adopt one ( which I had been thinking about for years anyway), she also said that she can see me and my partner are not living together and that we would be soon but still ahve two properties and we would be financially stable and able to make choices, she also stated very matter of a factly that we were going to work in the same field but that we should not work with the same age group as there would be conflict. She told me things about my grandma I dindt know until i told my muma nd my mum said YES that is true no one knows that but me ( being the oldest my mum would know) also she said that the women in my family that had passed on were cheering as I was making choices that they never had and also I had broken the mold and they were rejoicing.

She talked about my dad and said a lot of very specific things that no one would know, she also said alot of things about my girlfriend that no one knew but her and when i told her she was shocked. Now i want to just say once again all i said through the entire reading was yes and no and the only no was regarding my girlfriends family and something that I didnt know but later was true. In all with scepticism this woman was 99.9% accurate and all of the things she said that I didnt know my mum confirmed. She also said that my brother was going to be highly successful but grounded and that he will go very far in life because of his good nature and focus.

She also said that she see's me and my partner exchanging rings of some sort but she wasnt sure if it was ina church or on a mountain but it was unusual and very significant as it was a commitment of our love for eachother, little does she know we were already thinking about doing that and just trying to see where we wanted to do it but left the idea until more time had passed.

she also said i was the kind of person that would cry at the end of watching sports relief as I would find it hard understanding why people had to suffer in the world. she is right I once cried watching Crimewatch.

She told me also before i said a word that I wouldnt be able to have children now as my hormone levels needed looking at and my mouth gapped open how could she know.

SORRY I Forgot to post this as i was at work and it sat in my draft box.

Today i am having a champagne lunch and then off to see my beautiful g/f with a big heart. I have put a couple videos on my MP£ player to watch on the train journey and hopping to nab a bottle of bubbly for the weekend...we'll see :o)

random thoughts and confessions

2008-03-14T13:15:00.005Z

Bored at work so thought I would pop on here for a few minutes.

Last week when Special K was due to come down I pre booked a taxi 3 hours early to collect her and take her to the station, I also informed this company that she was sick and really needed to make sure she got to the train station on time not to miss her train.

Taxi was booked for 2:15 the journey was only 30 minutes away but they assured me that we had left enough time to get there booking it for that time as her train left at 3:15 so more than enough time.

10 mins late we called the taxi, "he is round the corner" we were told.... ten minutes later still " he is 5 minutes away".. a further 10 minutes later " he is on the next road"... They lied and he wasn't, he was 40 Minutes late I promptly called to speak to the supervisor and was told that it would be looked into, it wasn't anyway I went higher still and almost a week later they have discovered it was their error and I informed them that I would not be letting it go as they had basically made the situation worse and she was on the platform in floods of tears and having to purchase another ticket costing £62.30.

I have since been assured that I will be compensated and that they will get back to me later today to confirm how much. I will keep you posted.

I have also tried to wrangle myself a private room at the hospital after my treatment in June, I will let you know how that goes I waiting for a call back from them to let me know.

Went home last night to the gorgeous aroma of a cooked meal and freshly washed linen.... and a bath waiting for me... OH MY she is just heaven sent. It turned out it was 'Thursday Taco Tango day' and I was served Tacos and had to speak in a Mexican/Spanish accent, she is so funny... Tonight I have been told has a Lambada theme to it.... NUTS? YES!!! we are :o)

We even have alter egos mine is Barbara and hers is Sheba from the story, NOTES On A SCANDAL after watching it together one Sunday evening we found ourselves mimicking the toffy accent and calling each other Barbara and Sheba... (Barbs and Sheebs)..... Its quite funny but I guess you would have to be there to appreciate the subtle differences it has made to our......... vocab-u- larry!!

I cant wait for the weekend to start, she is well enough to go out as i hoped she would be in time for Sunday's treat. YAAAYY!!!!!

I love the fact I don't feel that NEEDY longing for her when we are apart, its nice and I don't get butterflies when I am to see her instead its like I glow from the inside out and feel all warm and loved up, I prefer that feeling Its like my heart grows inside.

I have a confession to make..... I have been spying on the Ex via her emails and finding out all the gossip on her new girlfriend couple that with the gossip from my best mate about what is going on for her I have a very clear picture of how shit her life is and how shallow she is and that nothing has changed, I also realised yes i did love her but was never in love with her and thus felt sorry for her more than anything, how patronising and mean I know but its true.

She regularly asks about me and wants to know who I am seeing and what my life is like and she gets just enough info to let her know I couldn't be happier now.

I shouldn't read her emails that is a terrible invasion of her privacy and to be honest I shall stop because I wouldn't like it done to me but I found her password by sheer accident and even though I try to forget it I cant, I don't think I do it because I actually care, I think it is just my way of having one over on her. It is embarrassing to admit but once you know you can do it, it is hard not do. Let me know in the poll below what you would do.

Bad Blogger Bad Blogger!!!!!!!

Living Vs Existing

2008-03-13T15:12:00.007Z

I am finally living and not just existing.

Thank you for your comment Ken, it made me smile and also reminded me that I still have readers although I thought I had lost them all due to making my blog password protected earlier...... You are right a healthy skepticism is needed for such things and we all posses some ability, the human error thing is the real clincher though isnt it, some are more wrong than others and even the most experienced can get it wrong, I think the trick is to not live your life by the instruction of others without consulting your self first because in short you know what decidions to make that suit you.

So here is an update.

I am finally appreciating my life and so grateful that I cant help but smile everyday, Special K and I are going great, we have not once fallen out which makes a change from the last one, even though it is still early days but we have been spending lots of time together and having great sex and amazing Scenes together too that really get me going. The visit before last we had so much sex I was sore and boss eyed but every minute of it was fab, for 6 days we shagged everywhere, she at one point fully clothed pinned me down on the dining room table after a night out at a mate of hers for dinner and pulled out a strap-on and did me till I couldn't walk, my knees were so weak, only to continue for another couple of hours in the bedroom upstairs, and that has been generally how we have been.

We laugh so hard we both stop breathing gasping for air, such as the one occasion we were being really serious and out of the blue I accidentally whacked her in the mouth with Mr. Blue causing her to whack me back intentionally with Mr. Green ( a smaller toy of joy) and both of us beating the heck out of each other ( playfully of course) with respective vibrating accessories until one stopped and called time as we rolled around on the bed laughing and me landing on the floor in a paralysed state of laughter.

I often catch my self thinking of her and the time not too long ago that I wanted to take my own life and things were so dark I couldn't see clearly and now....... Now I am so happy the other day back from the Trafford centre where we laughed and giggled, I sat in the car and she said something that made me laugh then the next thing I knew I was bawling my eyes out through sheer happiness and I couldn't stop crying and repeating "I cant believe I am so happy". She just cuddled me and in her Northern accent said " its alright Kid I'm here and you deserve to be happy"...GOD she makes me melt just thinking about her.

She is everything I dreamed of and more but I think I said all that in the last post. Anyway OK back to updating and less mushy stuff... She is currently at mine and I have been nursing her for almost a week she had terrible flu ( not man flu) and I have been nursing her back to health, not sleeping through the night just so I can listen out for her and making her hot honey and lemon at 4am just so she can sooth her throat as the constant coughing was intolerable for her, also making sure the room was a good temperature and generally doing my best to make sure she had all she needed.

Monday I had to go to the hospital for another check up and consultation regarding my infertility, well it is confirmed I have to have what is called an Abdominal Myomectomy... My Fibroids are now so large they are the size of a 16 week old feotus...Niiiiiice!! So this is a big operation that on the down side could mean removal of my womb or a blood transfusion, on the upside a higher chance but no guarantee of me getting pregnant. I will be in hospital for 3 days and have to be off work for about 4 -6weeks ( joy...not)

Anyway it was nice in the appointment because I think the consultant knew we were together as she asked her if she had any questions or worries about me having the procedure even though I introduced her as my mate for moral support. I have a pre assessment on the 14th April and the surgery on the 9th June...... shiting bricks??? You bet your genitals I will be!!!!

On Monday I also had my counselling exam and the week prior I lost my portfolio on the tube ARRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Just the thing you want to happen two weeks before it is due to be handed in as part of your exam :o(..... So having to do another one and make up 3months work in one week. I called TFL lost property but still nothing.. :o(... OH well.......

OOhh I am going to see a psychic (recommended to me) over the weekend and I am taking Special K to a very luxurious london spa for the day to get her back to health, treatments consisting of mud wraps, 30 min aromatherapy massages and generally lazing by the pool, jacuzzi, steam room and saunas being waited on hand and foot and treated like a Queen for the day all for the lovely price of a short holiday in Greece but we don't have that kind of time off work so this will have to do for now, I tried to keep it as a surprise but I couldn't and ended up crumbling under the excitement of it all.

I took her shopping a couple weeks back and bought her some cool trainers and a really nice top, she loved it. I don't spend money on her to make her like me any more than she already does I just have finally found someone who appreciates the way I treat her physically and emotionally and after her Ex well....... lets just say the family thinks I am an angel in disguise and my mother thinks the same about her too.

hmmm... off to think of anything else I may have forgotten, I will try to update this more often.

I re -read the last post and saw a couple things I didn't update.

Chris Rock show ROCKED My brother loved it and so did I, I thougt he was brill.
Mum made a great meal for the first time meeting Special K and they got on like a house on fire, my mum was on top form making us both laugh till all of us choked on our rice N peas. At one point I aske my mum what she thought of my new perfume..... my mums response..... " Hmmmm it... it kinda ... It smells like Cat PISS!!".... OM FUCKING GOD.. NO she didnt my mum just said in front of my new girlfreind that I smelt of cat piss...... I was in shock and special K just wet herself laughing, my mum then wanted me to smell one she liked and in true form I smelt it and said " it smells like sweaty testicles !!!" just to get my own back, to which my mum replied... " yes I like that smell" definantly and as indignant as could be..... Well what do you say to that??? We just all laughed.

It was all in good humour and my mum even moved in for a cuddle and told us to be careful on or night out and thanks for coming. My mum if funny about people she meets for the first time, she didnt like the bitch but never told me that, mum even said Special K was cute and she liked the way she came across, genuine and relaxed, the only thing she wasnt sure about was that she dressed and looked like a boy LOL and had short hair, but I kindly reminded my mum that was how I liked them androgynous.

Cloud Eight

2008-02-04T11:53:00.000Z

Well, thought now is as good a time as any to update this thing.

feel very strange today i woke up fine a little tired but fine, i generally dont have a mood on for no reason, i am not one to "wake up on the wrong side of the bed" so when i got up this morning it was much the same as any other morning. I was ok got ont he tube fine and was even rocking to the music on my Mp3 player and assisted a blind man on his journey, but i step into work and a grey cloud hovers over head and i am not sure why.

The weekend was good I had a mate over on saturday whom i hadnt seen in about 2 years and we got pisshed on champagne and donoughts and a couple beers thrown in for good measure. I am such a light weight. WEnt to bed late after calling My girl and being a little silly she laughed and thougt it was funny...... Early days yet though LOL.

Sunday I took my ma to see Afrika Afrika!! at the O2 centre and she loved it it started at 7pm and finished about 10pm I was dead on my feet but really enjoyed the show, couldnt wait to get home though.

I am going to pull a sickie from work friday and monday so i can have extra days with special 'K'. Naughty I know but bollocks to it i deserve to. I have college tonight and have home work to do.
I am really looking froward to her coming I got a valentines card specially made for her and due to be delivered to her work place on the 13 or 14th, I didnt want to risk it being late so i have it due to be sent on the 12th just incase.

I have also started looking into legalities re the co parenting stuff just in case this year is the year, i have been told by one gifted person that I will have a baby girl and she is either due in september or i will concieve her in september. hmmm... not sure about that any way I ahve another appointment to see the specialist on the 10th of March so i look forward to that.

I have been doing alot of visualisations lately and hoping not to have to have surgery for my fibroids and that I am given the all clear to try again soon. I will let you know. I am also booked in to see a very good clairvoyant psychic on the 15th March so i will update on that.

I have also decided to look into whether or not i have gifts myself so i have enrolled on a psychic development course levels 1-3 so we will see what happens. I am not a guillable person and i am a healthy sceptic but i also think that it would be pretty arrogant of us to think that there is nothing else in life only what we can see and comprehend, we cant even undertsand the human brain so that surely tells us something.... we are no where near being able to understand the complexities of life and the potentials within the ones we have.

So much to the dismay and ridicule of others ( not my freind or fam thankfully) I am embarking on a journey that is not the norm but couldnt do me any harm. Special K is really supportive even though she doesnt understand it and is a little fearful of it, she thinks that I do have a special gift of some kind and that it can only help me learn more about me inthe long run anyway.

I am not interested in knowing the lottery numbers or being able to predict the death or life of others i wuld just like to be able to understand my own life and my place in it and also if there is life after this one, i may never know for sure but i am prepared to suspend my disbelief for a while just to be open to it and see what i get.

I believe we all have intuition/psychic ability just some peoples are stronger than others.

Anyway today i am feeling especially crabby but hopefully as the day goes on it will be better, I have also just become a mystery shopper and have my first assignment on wednesday so looking forward to that and also getting paid.

Volunteering my time

2008-01-24T17:20:00.001Z

Well since the last post i have looked up more volunteer places to help out, one of which being a lgbt helpline and also the samaritans helpline.

I am counting down to the time she arrives, and she says she has 3 surprises for me, oh my I will let you know what they are, she sent me a little butterfly last night in the post with reference to something we said about butterflies and me. longstory but she is really thoughtful.

Soo excited I am. Gonna get my home work done tominght as I know that I wont have time to so it before monday and I may forget. I am cacking it she is going to meet my mum on sunday arrgghhhh!!! anyway.

I am feeling positive that this is summin special, but who knows. on reflection it all seems very weird and very quick as my life went from near suicidal to doing a full 180 and all highs, i am still taking my tabs and i dont feel at all unstable LOL, aside from giddy with love.

I went through a period of time thinking that maybe this was just my way of coping and was i running into the arms of the first person who came along but that is not the case, but i did do some soul searching. I had to tell the Floridian that i couldnt be what she wanted, i couldnt she was not the one for me, i couldnt tell her I loved her and she wanted that from me even though i said that i didnt want a relationship when we first started talking. We still talk and she is dating someone else so its all ok.

My ex is asking about me alot and my best mate tells me she is still missing me even though she is seeing someone else, i am really glad she is happy with another at least i hope she is. just so she is out of my business. Although secretly i would love her to see my new bird by accident as she is Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrgeous, striking blue eyes and dark hair 6ft tall super fit and sexy looks great in a bikini heehee and so stunning she once got a snog from a famous celebrity who is so sexy with an even more famous sister.

as well as being really drop dead gorgeous I cant believe my luck she has the kindest warmest heart i have ever come across. And she found me. wow. I feel so blessed. And the sex is amazing fucking hell i didnt think i could get better sex but she is so good LOL. why was she single? I was wondering when i realised how great she was, then i remembered she has just come out of a 9 year relationship with a woman that she didnt love anymore and they both agreed it should have ended years ago but they stayed loyal anyway. When i met her she was just lookiong for mates.

Anyway enough about her for now as i can feel myself gushing and getting all mushy.

I am off home now to pamper myself and do my nails and change the bedding and make the house all nice and tidy. so glad i am working the morning so time will go quickly i cant believe the day is finally here it feels like months since i last saw her, it was only 3 weeks ago LOL.

My LCD 32" tv had to be taken today so i am a little bereft LOL as i have no tv in my bedroom now but hey !!! I am not complaining just hope they can fix it. But some how i doubt i will miss it this weekend ;o)

All Grown Up - the big 3 0

2008-01-21T11:06:00.000Z

Its been ages and so much has happened, shouldnt have left it so long.

run down.....

neck pain better, odd twinge nothing to worry about

tinnitus still annoying

fallen in love with a wonderful person whom i have met before in another life time and who was told about me in a dream by her aunty who passed away before she even met me.

started counselling course to become a trained counsellor

working again

keeping a gratitude journal

had operation for cysts and endometriosis and recovered well, another op is needed to remove fibroids and wont be abel to get pregnant until they are removed.

taking my girlfriend so see kelly rowland at G A Y

mum wants to meet new girlfriend so has invited her for dinner on sunday, she didnt even do that with ex the bitch

family have made an effort to spend time with me and stuff

off to see chris rock with my baby brother tomorrow

exploring my psychic abilities and meditating more.

I am basically too busy living my life to blog but i know it is something that i should do more, so apologies. I will try to get this up to speed without boring you too much.

well I turned 30 yesterday and it was nice i spent the enitire weekend dancing and being happy and having meals and stuff with friends and family, my g/f made me a card or should i say cardsss

and each one she wrote a word starting with the corresponding letter how i made her feel and how special i was she made 13 cards and also sent me a photocopy of her hand as she missed holding mine...... also when i went home one night i found a hand made card with a heart mate out of glitter on the front, inside she said that she knew that after being away i mentioned i was going home to bills and she wanted to make sure i got summin that made me smile.... she is soo lovely. Today i booked her in for some massage treatments at the body shop for her a nd a mate to have a facial, hand massage and foot massage to this evening, she called me up and was so blown away that i thought about her and did this.

She said that no one had ever thought about her in that way before and that she was so surprised, apparently her mum welled up saying thats the kind of girl she needs and her sister couldnt believe i was so thoughtful and said that she cant wait to meet me and that we were welcome at hers anytime. WAit till i turn up at the Kelly show and she has no idea, i have it all planned we will be talking then i will tell her to look up at the sign and she will see who we are going to see. I am so crap at keeping secrets that i know will make someone so happy it is taking all my strength not to tell her or give her a clue.

more about her another time.

i have decided to keep a gratitude journal because sometimes i think i am ungrateful and forget the little things that happen in my life to make me happy and smile, my life could be so much worse, i have it easy and i need to acklnowledge that, yes at times it gets hard but thats life and i ahve to do what i can to deal with it but not forget the good things that also happen and generalise my life as being less than and unfulfilled. I am very very lucky i have people who trully love me, family who care and are there for me, freinds who think the world of me and a good head on my shoulders a nice roof over my head and all the rest of it.

So my new years resoloution is to not stress anymore about stuff that are petty and try to live in the moments as often as i can. Also to meditate alot more.

Weird things have been happening to me lately I seem to be having visions of things such as one morning i was half asleep and heard the post man, i thought shit more bills or summing sounds like a lot of mail, but i went back to sleep as i was dozing back off i had a vision that i opened the mail and it was a christmas card from a freind i hadnt heard from in a while. i fell asleep for a couple more hours and then when i woke to tackle the mound of post i knew was waiting for me i saw one white envelope........ a christmas card from that friend. coincidence?

Saturday before last i was slightly dozzy and wondered what the time was as i was so tired and didnt want to get up yet, as i was dozing back off to sleep asked in my mind what time it was and the numbers 08:39am flashed infront of my eyes, i immediately woke up as i had to be up by 9am and looked at my mobile by the bed ( i dont have a clock in my room) and its said 08:38am i thought ooh another fluke.........was watching gmtv a couple days later and looked at the time and looked at my phone dunno why.... my phone was exactly 1 minute slow. weird?

anyway my mum finally admitted to me she is a psychic and since then i ahve been able to accept somethings a little better and working on my own abilities that are numerous now i have started remember them and keep a record. will keep you updated if i get the lottery numbers.

well not sure what else to say for now i think that maybe enough until i think of other things to tell ya.

Getting well

2007-12-20T10:06:00.000Z

It's been an age since I last posted, I have been trying to get well and sort my life out.

I decided one morning that I was not going to give up, something amazing happened which i am not yet ready to talk about but it has changed my life, a stranger has basically touched my life in a away that i never thought was possible and since then i have been up and handling life as I should be.

OK so where to start....

The pain is not as bad in my neck the MRI showed that I have inflammtion in my vertebrae but that it should settle down soon, my depression is under control and I am feeling better than normal, however the noise in my head is still there but i am getting used to it, they think i have vibratory tinnitus.

I am up and about and doing things again. Not working yet but that is because i have had a lot of things to handle.

I had a really deep conversation with STUD one day and she told me the truth about myself as she knows me, which was very spot on, good and not so good, the conversation ended in her giving me some advice that was obvious but i had kept putting it off.... I needed to do a job that was giving back to society and the people in it. She suggested I look at youth support work and mentoring. Something inside me just clicked.....I felt elated and happy all at once and the following day I called the local councils adult education team and have an interview to train as a counsellor in january .....not only that I have contacted the Albert kennedy trust to see if I can help mentor and befriend any young people that maybe in crisis during my training they also train too.

I have also decided that looking at my own life as empty is very real but that is only because I have not felt like i am doing enough for others, when i evaluated everything in my life i realised that the signs have been there for many years that I should be working with young people. I just didnt get it, I got caught up and blinkered.

I have been meditating too and trying to find my centre and since then I have met amazing people and also things seem to be falling into place, the course interview is in two weeks. I have also met someone who is in that line of work and is one of the top child psychologists in the country and she has taken me under her wing as she is setting up a very specialist child centre in the UK and has asked if i would like to help out with some things and in return she will help guide me with my courses and hands on training when needed. More about her later ;)

Then yesterday, i got a letter in the post stating that i was to be at the hospital that day for a pre assesment for surgery... i thought NO WAY THIS IS A TYPING ERROR... i called them and it turns out that they only posted it on friday 14th and yes indeed i had to be there at 14:50 yesterday... so i rushed and got dressed and headed down there in shock..... i didnt think it was going to be so soon.

I got there and was assessed and all is well i went to the admissions department for an appointment for surgery and guess what.....They had a cancellation and I am having it done ..........on MONDAY 24th DEC. Yes MONDAY COMING... Oh my fucking GOODNESS!!

I was in no doubt i wanted that appointment, i am not bothered about it being xmas eve all the more reason to relax :)

So...... all is going well I am on a real HIGH not the manic kind the kind that makes you feel like everything is working out now....I have this stranger to thank as well as myself for getting things back in order and giving me hope again.

I am off to get my hair done, my eyebrows waxed, my legs done and pedicure/manicure and all this as I have a work xmas Do tomorrow that i have to attend, Life is good. Fate has brought me where I am today and I have to be grateful..... and thankful.

I wont ever give up again... I now know something i never knew before..... Faith inside is what keeps people going not the external faith in something that you cant see or prove.... God is inside each and everyone of us and sometimes we have to just LET GO and allow things to unfold and if that means that like me you have to shut yourself away, stop feeling, stop participating until you GET IT then so be it, i now know i had to have that "shut down" otherwise i would not have opened up to certain people in my life and got answers.

I would not have had the most intense conversation with my mother about faith, her special gift ( she is a psychic/medium) and my own fears and outlook on life, having THAT talk with her showed me that i made many assumptions about my mum and how she handles things... I assumed that she was not able to sort things, i assumed she was not able to advise me on anything i didnt know, i didnt ALLOW her to be a parent to me in my adult life......since i had this conversation with her i have not felt that pressure and worry about her, as i listened to her more and saw that she is not worried about life and has so much faith and her gift allows her to stay calm, i neednt worry so much about her.

I also wouldnt have met this stranger who has touched me in the most remarkable of ways i cannot describe. FATE does exist... i didnt really believe it before but now........i am blown away.

Since then I have cleaned my house from the ceiling to the floor, i have chucked old things that i was holding onto for sentimental reasons that i didnt need, i got rid of cards and gestures from Ex's, that emotionally was holding me back, i cleaned the ENTIRE Flat leaving no stone unturned, I threw out in one night 14 rubbish bags of old stuff that i didnt need, i have donated more than 50 books to charity, I have got on my hands and knees and scrubbed rugs and upholstery, thrown out old tins of paint, and everything and anything that i just didnt need any more and especially stuff that if i hadnt used it in a year then i would never use it....

Everything from papers to pins are neatly ordered into boxes and tubs labeled neatly. No cupboard has escaped me even the one under the sink and the junk cupboard outside... they are all gleaming with the smell of antibacterial spray and freshness......

I am making room in my life physically and emotionally for a new begining, for new people, for new potentials..... and the house is only a symbol of me..... emotionally i have let go of pain and disappointment in my past, i have released expectations of myself other than those to constantly be a good person to my self as well as others.... I have vowed to nurture myself and my own gifts and talents and .....ME... just being ME... and realising and acknowledging that being ME IS good enough.

My mum said to me the other day... faith is like a pet or a child... you have to nurture it, water it, feed it and give it constant love and affection to see it grow, then one day it will be strong enough to do what needs to be done,... THAT she said is Faith..... everytime you beat yourself up you are not nurturing you, FAITH is YOU. So when things dont go according to your plan unless you ahve nurtured Faith you wont feel the real effects of it to carry you through, much like looking not after your body and expecting it to perform at the drop of a hat.

I have liked that analogy and decided that I will no longer beat myself up about things but as long as i can say i made the best choice i could with what time and skills i had then.....that has to be enough. I HAVE TO BE ENOUGH.

No more hating me, lots more loving me. Lots of other people love me, so why dont I.

Finding my Purpose...Feeling sorry for myself today

2007-12-01T12:57:00.000Z

It's hard, without faith one has no hope, without hope One has no faith. without both One has no motivation to live.

Hope drives people forward through hard times and lifes struggles, to have neither is surely a death in it self, No?

“However unhappy a person may be, the moment he knows the purpose of his life a switch is turned and the light is on... If he has to strive after that purpose all his life, he does not mind so long as he knows what the purpose is.“Ten such people have much greater power than a thousand people working from morning till evening not knowing the purpose of their life.” –H.I. Khan–

"Purpose is not achievement. For example, achievement can mean being successful at a job you don’t want, to enable you to afford an expensive car you don’t need, in order to impress a girlfriend you don’t like... A purpose is something you express continually in order to bring you pleasure, not a list of things you have to achieve. " - anxietyculture.com

I feel like I should have one of two things in my life to keep me going, either a job that fulfills me and makes me feel as though I am making a difference to the world or the people in it and that I love( dont know what that is, hence my problem part 1), even on my bad days, or having a family to nurture. If I am lucky I could get both, but as it stands and for my forseeable future I have NEITHER and feel empty.

I dont feel like ranting about the lack of purpose in my life but i think this may turn into one anyway so I am going with it.

I tried to do something about it and went for a job interview this week that I actually really wanted with one of the countries' top nutritionist and author.. No not Gillian Mckieth or whatever her name is, this one is credited and has a proper certificate and qualification and looks like she practices what she teaches.

I didn't want to leave the house, but I did, I hated every moment of walking outside my door but i thought in the back of my mind "This could be IT" and i will never know unless I go....I went I gave it my all it was the best most self informative and selling interview i have ever given yet 3 hours later i didn't get the job. That alone didn't disappoint me, it was the whole meaning behind it for me that kicked me in the gut.

Just when I wanted and was looking for something to believe in again and have faith and hope for the future, and stepping outside my comfort zone- that was so hard it took me 4 hours to get out the house-and yet I went and presented the best of me and what I had to offer regardless, I was kicked down again.

Yes I am feeling a Victim, that "victim" mentality that I so despised in the past, it's now me, *sigh*! I wonder now if there is any truth to the saying "The thing you fear the most is what you shall become" ??? Does a "failure/drifter" count?

I no longer sit in bed and cry and feel sorry for myself as I did but instead I stay in the home with no reason to venture out, with no excitement for anything, waiting for the hours to pass, feeling numb and void. I am hurting those around me as they feel helpless but I cant help it, it is not intentional.

I am finding it hard to say I feel loved these days, I don't know even if I know what that is. Seriously I don't know, everytime I thought I knew what that felt like I was abused and hurt in someway, I don't know if i truly know what it feels like to be protected cared for and loved.

As far back as I can remember I HAVE been the "protector", of my mum, emotionally always making sure she dealt with things the best way as soon as I was old enough to make judgements/decisions I was helping her make them from an early age. I felt like the mother even though she went to work and brought home the money, even though she instilled in me morals and principles even though she was a physical parent I was the emotional parent, in many many ways. I guess being a mother is the only hting I know I can do in life.

Apart from the things and advice I do/give to others I don't think they will miss me for anything else, it is hard to imagine the reality of their pain and loss if I were to die, this is what makes the thoughts of suicide so very real to me sometimes because their pain of losing me doesn't seem real at all.

RESPONSIBILITY!

I struggled from an early age with responsibility, I felt the imbalance very early on in my life, as a child I would feel highly responsible if something went wrong in our lives from the age of about 7, if things didnt work out well I felt either I was the cause of it or I had to think of a way to fix it and make it better. In my teens i struggled with what was my responsibility in life to steer and what was fate/chance/universe/god. Even in my adult life I have the same struggles, when things go well it is fate/luck when they go wrong it is me.

I feel so responsible for the people in my life namely my mum and brother and everything that happens to me, I think that is why I am losing hope and focus and faith because I so want something bigger than me to take the reigns and show me it will all be OK, but i dont think it will.

I now understand why people sometimes feel the need to know if there is life after death, if mediums and psychics and clairvoyants are really able to connect with loved ones on the "other side" because sometimes we need to know that something that has capabilities far beyond our own human/physical limitations is watching over us and is steering us in the direction we need to go in, good or seemingly bad. Thats why we have religion I think, that is why most of us find ourselves questioning our lives based on religious teachings, even if we lean more towards the "spiritual" in later life. As for atheists well who knows, maybe they have faith in humans and evolution??? OK that's a topic for another time my brain already hurts.

I asked myself the other day whilst watching John Edwards, "why is it so important for me to know if there are dead people/loved ones still around me, looking out for me? Why can I not appreciate and be satisfied with the ones here in the living, in THIS life that love me and look out for me?"

At first I didn't know and I felt bad, almost like I was saying internally/subconciously that these people didn't mean as much but then i realised..... It is because those that are here are limited in their powers and abilities to watch over me and help me, because they too are only human and they are also far too busy living their own lives and trying to fight the same struggle......if you are homeless you wouldn't go to a homeless person for a home would you?

People say the pain i am feeling is stress, i doubt it. Something tells me the MRI scan will come back fine as did the X-ray but that is because i think what is wrong would not be picked up by those tests. Maybe i am being overly worried but i know I am not imagining the intense pain.

How much of where I am in my life is my own fault??? I think that often. AS a child i believed you made life what you wanted to make of it and if you made good choices and worked hard and were a good person you would be OK. Where did I go wrong?

I have never intentionally hurt anyone through malice or otherwise, always been honest sometimes to a fault. I am responsible and upstanding, I help people and have a lot of time for others that are in need even taking the time to talk to perfect strangers in a distressed state. I put others first, mostly, I am by no means a saint but that is purely because I intend to do the right thing but it can backfire when others don't get/understand my honesty or intentions or they hurt me and i say something mean back but hey they started it. I don't gossip or spread rumours, I work honestly and fairly, my friends describe me as the most humble person they know, and my worst fault is shutting them out when I am in pain or depressed.

I stand up for those that are weaker or more vulnerable than myself. I respect people. I do all these things yet my life feels as though it is going no where. I am the person who in the line will pay the difference of the old womans shopping cos she doesnt have enough money left, without a second thought simply because I have it. I am the person who has been known to find wild animals near death and try to nurture them back to life.

Yes I am feeling sorry for myself because I dont know where I went wrong. And through all this I feel alone, i thought about getting a pet the other day, been thinking maybe a Chinchilla, but then I started to think about the nights I wouldn't be able to sleep due to their nocturnal nature and the days when I have had pets in the past to help with my loneliness and to take the focus away from me then all of a sudden my life gets busy socially and professionally and i have had to get rid of the animal much to my disappointment because i felt to guilty about the lack of time my miraculously busy lifestyle afforded me to care for this being.

UNFAIR, was my conclusion, it would be unfair for me to get a pet, i dont care for pet fishes i like cuddly animals, not too small had gerbils and hamsters and not keen on animals who eat their own poo (Coprophagic) , i dont want a cat as the fur sheds and drives me mad, all on my clothes and floor. A dog i wouldn't be able to walk regularly if my life became super busy, or should i say if i actually GOT a life.

Thinking all these things, most would wonder why would i want to be a parent then? Well it's simple to me and if you have ever WANTED to be a parent or had difficulty in becoming a parent you would know the answer.....

Bridget Gray..." My letter to Hip- Hop"

2007-11-23T19:23:00.000Z

Powerful and meaningful, If you like Hip hop this letter is a must. We need the negativity to stop.

Thanks Bridget

Unfathomable.....

2007-11-22T10:21:00.001Z

OK a little time to try and support and blog about something other than my depressing depression

I actually helped flyer and campaign about this company a few years back and I forgot until I watched the documentary on MORE4 last night that reminded me of the plight and also that I am not entirely self centred. http://www.channel4.com/news/articles/dispatches/mark+thomas+on+cocacola/1068847

Here is the company's response to the documentary....

http://www.gettherealfacts.co.uk/

I hate the drink. I believe for many reasons it is bad for our health and it is aiding in hurting our children as well as other soft fizzy drinks and sodas as they are also known. It is said that they, much like the other large conglomerate NESTLE' are preventing fresh water from being pumped into certain areas so that the only option is to buy and consume their many products...Allegedly!

The Many Uses of Coca-Cola

1. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl. let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

2. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

3. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminal to bubble away the corrosion.

4. To loosen a rusty bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

5. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

6. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into a load greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle.

7. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

AND WE DRINK THIS STUFF:

FYI- The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It's pa is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.

The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years.

Drink up.

courtesy of tcwilliams and the wonderful worldwide web

There are so many more just Google..... for more interesting info on Coca Cola see http://www.inminds.co.uk/boycott-coca-cola.html and make up your own mind.

Image courtesy of http://killercoke.org/

Random questions/musings

2007-11-22T09:18:00.000Z

How do you start to live again if/when the meds really kick in?

How do you build new dreams and goals that mean something more than you when you cant see past anything else but the darkness of pessimism and criticism?

How do you start to re-prepare and re-insulate yourself for life and its set backs when you decide to get back in "The Game"?

What if it's a game you dont care to win anymore and unlike the games in the school yard you cant just quit whilst your ahead? Or can you?

What if you just dont want to play anymore?

Depression is like a mother if she says you cant go out to play, you cant go out to play.....And you wonder if your friends truly understand when you are just too scared to climb out the back window because you live in a high rise building....on the top floor.

How do you justify your existence?

What if you cant find your "centre" and perpetually spin into nothingness for the rest of your existence?

How do you rid yourself of the guilt you feel deep inside because you have 2 arms 2 legs a brain that works and yet do nothing with what you have?

How do you reclaim the fire that once raged inside you before your spirit was covered in that damn Fire blanket mounted on every fucking wall of hope that ever meant anything?

How do you know you are worth it in a society/subculture that says if you dont posses or DO certain things you're not....?

How do you stop the ache in your heart when the thing that should be the most natural is the hardest thing to achieve?

How do you erase the guilt that makes you feel worse everyday because you are "wallowing" in self pity too crippled to climb out of the quicksand of depression to do anything else?

How do you stop feeling sick to the stomach with disappointment with self, regret, loss and shame for feeling all of the above?

How long will this last before all the people that care just give up on you for fear of going down with you?

How do you fight the fear of your only comfort zone and security eventually becoming depression?

Pain... Public vs Private

2007-11-21T00:00:00.001Z

I would like to thank all who read my blog and I value your support unfortunately I am at a stage now where I feel the need to restrict my entries to selected readers and comment posters until further notice for obvious reasons. Please email me at my personal email address to get the password for my posts and further updates. You will need to allow POP UP for the password box and possibly check your security setting to enable java script.

Thank you.

Numb...

2007-11-20T21:25:00.000Z

The only thing I feel is ice
Cold and numb and as if nothing on this earth is more harsh than the pain I feel inside,
my days are as dark as my nights and my nights are as lonely as death itself.

The tablets make me jittery and the anxiety only seems to get worse as the days go by, the mirrors in the house have all been taken down or covered the the food that is delivered by loved ones is instantly frozen and hated, despised.

Staying in bed all day is my own slow demise.

I am too coward to "call it a day" and "pull the plug", I drip with guilt, too guilty to say goodbye forever and yet too selfish to end my pain in a flash, do I want others to see how much I hurt?

I dont know all I know is the urge to punish myself is now far greater than my urge to travel to a light that I hope shines brighter than the one in my being, is warmer then the frost that shrouds my body like a cloak every day,

I punish myself and scheme ways to take the meds that carry the warning " to be taken with food". The need for food is to keep One alive but surely to gain some control, the ultimate control is to control the thing that is most necessary to life itself.

Yet another day as they roll into one and I am losing track of time, sleeping through hunger and the pain, physically and emotionally, the days go by faster that way.

"Death" can have many forms it is as varied as the meaning of the word itself, to die can be done in many ways and yet you can still exist among the shadows of the living.

Knocking on Heavens door....

2007-11-15T12:53:00.000Z

I was rushed to A&E at 1am on Monday morning due to almost blacking out with the pain in my neck that has progressed to my skull , I started to have panic attacks and the , drugs were not working.
On one hand I wanted to die and thought now is my chance, to do it the "right way", instead I got scared, I knew the only person with a spare set of keys that would find me would be my mum or baby brother. That wouldn't be fair to them. When I die I don't want them to find me.

I have been prescribed Diazepam for the pain and Citalopram for the depression. The drugs are still not working for the pain the only thing that helped was the gas in the ambulance but that only took the edge off the pain. I called the Ambulance only because I was scared that without the control of death I could be dying of a haemorage or something equally horrific. Believe me on less than 14 hours sleep in 6 days due to the pain and anxiety you would probably panic too.

Anyway I promised Daddi I would call the emergency services as I was crying uncontrollably, even though two nights previous I called the emergency doctor and they wanted me to leave the house at 2am to go about 2 miles to get the prscription only pain killers when I said I couldn't go they suggested that if I "felt"" like going then I should give them a call and they would have them ready for me even after I said I was in so much pain I could barely breathe. Surely it's their fucking job was to come out (I didnt say the latter)

Today I have taken double the dose of Diazepam and 3 paracetamol together to stop the pain, it seems to have worked but the relief seems to only last about 2 hours at the very most. I dont have much left. getting the results from my X-ray tomorrow and going in for an MRI on Wednesday to check my brain and my spine and the pain is so bad. I wonder what they will find. At this point if I was told I had 6months to live I would probably have much more hope than I do now.

I have been thinking about my death a lot lately, I think I would want to die in my sleep after a few good byes and a few sorry's maybe, don't really have anyone to say sorry to in my life as I have never really un/intentionally hurt someone and not apologised and explained. except I would tell my loved ones I was sorry I was not able to continue.

I know one thing, if i do try to end it all it wont be a cry for help, it will truly be because I have had enough. I have no appetite lately, partly due to the fact the tablets make me feel less hungry and sleepy all the time and partly due to the fact I cant look in the mirror I feel so fat and ugly I refuse to eat anything other than juice, crackers, milk and popcorn the milk and crackers are only because I dont want the tablets to make me sick on top of how I am already feeling.

The tablets also make me confused and have liitle memory loss, like what I was just watching on tv or the plot of a movie i had been watching, the injection I got at the hospital made me hallucinate and have the worst nightmare, I dreamt that I was looking down from a window into a front yard entrance and I saw some guard dogs chained up as security, then I noticed this one guy holding the chain and at first he was being nice then all of a sudden he wrapped the chain around the dogs neck and started to choke it to kill it, I could hear the dog screaming and whining in pain and I was so distraught I woke up terrified and the noises were so real, i wont ever forget seeing that poor dog wriggling and screaming for its life. I later noticed one of the side effects of really strong Diazepam is nightmares. I was too scared to go back to sleep even though I was really wobbly and drowsy.

I realised that since the age of 13 I have had depression I guess emotional abuse from all sides will do that to a kid after years and years of not fighting back (never from my mother or brother). Or maybe its hereditary, there seems to be statistics that back this up, I think my dad has it, looking back growing up as a child i remember people saying he would go missing for days on end and he would be in his flat not seeing or speaking to anyone. I ignored these things as an adult I didnt think it was significant, and maybe it is'nt, but one thing I know that IS significant, even though I have used the words "feeling depressed" in the past I never really used it and owned it. I just used it to identify the "phase" I was in and not as an Illness I have. Even Now i still cant get to grips with it, but the facts are there.

Looking back on all the feedback I have had from so called NHS "professionals" on Mental health and the reactions I would get from my doctors in the past they all made me feel as though it was all in my head, they negated my feelings and symptoms....

" Oh everyone gets down"
"You need a boyfriend"
" you may want to lose weight, being fat doesnt help"
" your just under a little stress"
" Pull it together/suck it up/Deal with it!"
"Everyone gets down sometimes....dont worry about it"
"Thats just part of life"

No, it's not.

I am realising now that I need to re-educate myself and get rid of my own insecurities and stigmas about suffering from this Illness and sufferers of it, I always thought "nah I am too analytical for it to affect someone like me, I am different". Acknowledging that it IS an illness and deal with it and not be ashamed or think it means I am not intelligent enough to get through it if I need to take tablets for the rest of my life to deal with this hell hole called life.

I'm crying right now for all the times asked/begged/ cried for help and no on listened to me sympathetically or understood me, I am crying for all the time I allowed my partners to say negative /degrading things to me when I couldnt shake the feeling of sadness for days and sometimes weeks - if only they knew the more they told me to "snap out of it" and the more they berated me for feeling so blue the longer it lasted. They didnt do it because they cared. They did it because they didnt believe it was REAL.

If it is not a physical ailment it doesnt exist and it is just you looking for attention, being over sensitive, being weak. That's why I shut myself away from others because so many dont get it. Hell, even I dont get it, so go figure.

It is hard sometimes to tell the difference between simply being down or feeling a little sad to being depressed. I finally acknowledge that I know I am depressed when I cant get out of bed or the house for days on end, when the only thing I feel I have left is my pride that makes me at least get up and and brush my teeth and have a bath everyday ( incase I get rushed to hospital/die I must have clean underwear or my nan will kill me if I survive Ha!).

I have to acknowledge that when I cant even bear to think about seeing anyone or talking to anyone that I am depressed.

When I think I am all alone and no one understands no matter how hard they try.... I'm depressed and when i feel I have nothing to look forward to in my life or the future and the feelings of worthlessness and hopelssness consume my every waking moment that I am depressed.

I have to acknowledge that when I can only think of death and my options or as my ONLY option.....I am depressed.

And if I think of these things every few months or so, for a few weeks at a time.....

I suffer from an illness called depression.

It hurts to admit, it hurts because I thought I was different....

"No Maybe I dont suffer from depression afterall, maybe it's just my way of recouping my energy shutting myself off from others"
"Maybe it's just my way of dealing with stress"
"look I am feeling better now and on top of the world maybe I cant suffer from depression"
"Maybe this, Maybe that......."

Facts to remind me.....copied from netdoctor.co.uk

Symptoms of depression Stress can lead to you to feeling 'down' and 'miserable'. What is different about a depressive illness is that these feelings last for weeks or months, rather than days. In addition to feeling low most or all of the time, many other symptoms can occur in depressive illness (though not everybody has every one).

Being unable to gain pleasure from activities that normally would be pleasurable.
Losing interest in normal activities, hobbies and everyday life.
Feeling tired all of the time and having no energy.
Difficulty sleeping or waking early in the morning (though some feel that they can't get out of bed and 'face the world').
Having a poor appetite, no interest in food and losing weight (though some people overeat and put on weight - 'comfort eating').
Losing interest in sex.
Finding it difficult to concentrate and think straight.
Feeling restless, tense and anxious.
Being irritable.
Losing self-confidence.
Avoiding other people.
Finding it harder than usual to make decisions.
Feeling useless and inadequate - 'a waste of space'.
Feeling guilty about who you are and what you have done.
Feeling hopeless - that nothing will make things better.
Thinking about suicide - this is very common. If you feel this way, talk to somebody about it. If you think somebody else might be thinking this way, ask them about it - IT WILL NOT MAKE THEM MORE LIKELY TO COMMIT SUICIDE.

I am suffering from all of the above... Go figure :(

I am not going to lie to myself or others around me I know the tablets wont make it go away, thats why I was reluctant to seek help again from anyone, the issues will still be there, the feeling of being a failure in life will still be there, the lost feeling....will still be there... the thoughts of simply dying I dont think will ever go away..... why? Because I dont know what else to do to sort myself out, to get to that "happy" place in my life where I see purpose and validation for my existence. and are at least content with where I am. I feared getting help in the first place this time because I was scared of the "what if's" and the feelings and thoughts that confirmed to me that no matter what I do the feelings will come back and I will be here again in a few months time, whining about the same thing.

I have been known to go almost two years without being this way... then the bitch came back and the fertility medical stuff started getting me down. I guess it's no wonder.

I do am a resourceful person and I think my issue is I dont think anyone can suggest anything to me that I have not already tried and unless I get an experts opinion and assesment and guidance I dont know who else I can trust to help me or who knows more than I do about trying to think of new ways to turn my life around and help inspire me. I hate it when people state the obvious in situations even though they are only trying to help.

But for those that love me and care and have been patient with me and stuck around, for all those people who texted me and told me to hang in there it will get better I am doing this for them, because they care about me right now more than I do about myself and I at least "owe" them that much for caring and to at least be able to say for all the love and support they are giving me....I did try, even If I fail.

To Vee a fellow blogger (one half of Vee and Jay), ...Thank you!

worse now

2007-11-08T19:44:00.000Z

I spoke to my mum she came round to see me and she screamed at me for being self pitying and said i just have to deal with it and to stop feeling sorry for myself and moping around. I knew she wouldnt understand. she ended up storming out when i told her that if she didnt understand just say so instead of shouting at me, I told her i wont ever tell her how i am feeling ever again, i mean it too.

Maybe i dont make sense. maybe what I am getting upset about is all in my head. maybe i thought life was supposed to be this wonderful thing, if you did things a certain way and now i'm disappointed when it isnt. I dont care if 90% of people are unhappy and just deal with it. I'm not. The worst thing is no one else can help me to make sense of it. no one else can help. life is what you make it right... blah blah i used to think that too I now understand why people just disappear, just go missing. you see it on the tv families and friends not seeing them for years appealing for them to come "home". Maybe because they feel how I feel. I want to disappear but hiding in my home if much safer and warmer, sometimes i want to just jump on a train and not come back, maybe 50% of homeless people start out like me and end up like "them"

I wanted to scream at her "I dont want to fucking end up like you!!!" but i couldnt, i couldnt disrespect my mum like that. She doesnt get it i know that. its not her fault she probably has never questioned life the way i do. if she has i think tonight she forgot.

I feel worse now than ever, i feel so numb and tears are rolling down my face i dont want to eat to punish myself i dont want to leave the house. the one person i thought may be gentle with me and give me a hug she couldnt. I hate the fact she thinks of me as self pitying i hate it, i dont think i am, i cant even turn to the hospital for help and tell them how i am feeling they might send to the "mad house" for a week or two and then that will be on my permanent record, i hate it when people say what are you going to do when you have a baby and you feel this bad, it hurts so much when they say that, I understand their concerns but i feel they dont know me, my mum said it, i wouldnt feel this way but they dont know me obviousy as much as they think they do, sometimes i feel as though maybe in the past i have given up too easily on my dreams, i wish i was more competitive instead i wouldnt fight for first place i woud be happy with second maybe thats why i am where i am today, maybe thats the thing maybe i just didnt fight hard enough when i should have fear of failing fear of rejection.

I envy people that let the disappointments make them more determined, Survival of the fittest indeed. I wish i was that way, maybe i am just to weak to soft. Maybe what i thought as a child that I didn't belong here was true.

What's the point?

2007-11-07T19:29:00.000Z

Stayed in bed all dat today, mainly because I feel really low again. Things seem to be spiralling out of control in my head and I am even worried about myself. Not going to feel guilt or apologise for myself with the "starving children in Africa" syndrome or the " there is a man with no feet whilst you are busy crying about not having shoes".

I feel like I have no real purpose in life, I feel like I am just drifting along aimlessly. No matter what I try it all falls flat. Starting to wonder, if there is no point to life why am I bothering to wake up anymore? I dont know how I got here in my life at this age.

By 30 I wanted so many things for myself, I saw greatness and purpose, I saw happiness and fulfilment. I believed with every fibre of my being that life is what you make it.
I have non of those things, I AM non of those things, granted I dont want for money I am ok and content with that, I learned to live within my means and now do just fine with nice things but that is all that they are THINGS.

I give to friends and family financially so I am not a selfish person, I give to the needy when I can and even sometimes when I cant, just because in that moment I know I have more than they do at that time and at least I have a roof over my head with my own front door key to come and go as I please, clothes on my back and food to eat. If I was ever hard up I know I could make more money and sell the nice things I own, but stripping that all down.........I feel as though I have nothing.

I was never materialistic even as a child, my parents lived in two differenet worlds so I had the experience of a rich and lavish lifestyle from my "part-time dad" even if I did go home to a more modest existence with my mum. I know what it's like to jet set around staying in 5 star hotels as a kid, so as an adult those htings mean little to me, I know what its like to mingle with the inheritantly wealthy, I know what its like to not have much to eat in stark contrast. My dad was a selfish bastard in many respects.

Confusing as a child yet as an adult I learned to make do with what I have until I have it, so it seems funny to me that even though all I ever wanted was to have successful career and use my success to get messages of love and compassion and charity across to others not even thinking about finacially being ok, money is what I have ( at least for now) yet purpose is lacking.

What is the point of having nice things and a nice home if those things dont make you happy. I feel that even though I have enough money to not worry too much I have no purpose in my life, I work (when I can/or want to these days) I shop, I stay home, I travel, I give back. Surely I should be happy right?

I'm not.

I go to sleep crying and questioning my existence. I wake up numb. I used to have hope and a positive outlook on life for the most part, I once belived everything happened for a reason, what if it doesnt? What if there is no rhyme or reason to existing and that thing called Karma is a bunch of horseshit. What if religion and spirituality is only something people invented because they had nothing else to explain their miserable and sad existence.

I was raised to be religious or shall we say have religious awareness, as my mum was not active in going to church ( my nan was) and I am sure sometimes with all the shit we suffered as a kid she wondered if there really was a god at some point between working 2 jobs and fighting to keep us in clothes and food and love as a family unit.

She did well granted, neither me nor my brother have turned to drugs or crime or hang with the wrong crowd, we both are really good loving people and considering we lived in one of the most deprived areas in london rife with drugs, guns and crime we both turned into really upstanding individuals, not hooked on crack, drink like fishes, or follow our peers (we are both into going our way even if its against the grain) or have any enemies in life.

Maybe in that respect If her faith never faltered, whatever it was she believed in it served her well, even when we lost the family home due to a huge council fuck up and they offered to take my brother into foster care because they wouldnt find anywhere for my mum to live she hung in there refusing to let that happen and praying things would get better. I later found her a place to live after she lived with me for a while. She showed amazing strength and positivity.

Maybe having kids to push you foward does that to you, maybe the knowledge that you are not just living for YOURSELF can do that to a person, I dont know. All I know is without that high flying career or job that was worth while, without children, or without at least a sense of why I am here, one of the three is all I ask for I dont see the point anymore. I am going to be 30 years old in two months far from where I wanted to be, so far from it I ache, I feel as though I have done everything in my power to make my life happen, I don tbelieve in having things handed to you on a plate, I do however think you have to work for things but dammit I am tired, tired of having doors shut in my face, tired of one minute thinking I know exactly what it is I am supposed to do then when I go for it it falls flat.

I had a clearer sense of where I wanted to be and how I was going to get there when I was 16, now 14 years later I am so confused and fucking frustrated with life I want to give up, I want to cash in my chips and go "home". I dont want to gamble anymore, walking through life without a fucking torch is no fun and whatever sick fuck thought it would be has no compassion.

I dont answer my phone these days, I tried to talk to my best mate about things but she just went on about believing in God and and staying strong and the devil attacking you... OMG! I tell you, as much as I love her and at times she is so much strength to me and I wont have her belief riddiculed by anyone but religion was the last thing I wanted to hear last night. Sick of hearing it will work out, sick of hearing all in good time and the testing of faith......Stud I love you, but last night for the first time in 7 years of talking to you almost everyday you made me feel worse after our little chat. She was trying to help I know.

I turned to Daddi for maybe some advice and comfort and reassurance of a spiritual nature. Didnt help either, instead I had questions that came across as challenges and made hym feel bad. I guess some of us believe what we believe and we cant prove it to anyone else they have to see it for themselves.... whetever "IT" is. Speaking of which, maybe the thing that these people belive in really is an "IT" of the Stephen King kind. They just dont know it yet.

I used to find comfort in the belief that something higher and more powerful than me existed and had a plan for me........Not anymore I dont think. I am in a black hole and I am upset and angry and lost. I wouldnt feel so bad if I just sat on my arse all day and didnt do anything but complain, if I never got proactive with my life and did nothing to change it but honestly I do. I try EVERYTHING I can think of, I put my heart and soul ( if there is such a thing) into what I do hoping for the best. WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL HERE!!!!

I dont know what is stopping me from taking my own life tonight, I dont even know if whatever it is will last very long, maybe I am so fucking low all I can do is sleep as a form of "death" itself to get me through to tomorrow. I know life changes but that is not enough for me right now as it leaves me with the questions When? What to?

So....I sit and I cry, I debate in my head the fragments of thoughts that consume what little energy I have left to take my mind off the pain in my neck and the black heaviness inside that threatens to consume me unless I sleep before before it takes hold and makes the decision for me.

I dont want to leave my mum, sometimes I can see her crumbling by my grave thinking of all the things she went through to give me life and then I throw it back in her face by deciding to give up. I see her face age 20 years wondering what she will do without her right hand and sometimes I cry, I cry with sorrow and guilt because I wouldnt ever want to do that to her as I knoe suicide is a selfish act, then I cry with anger and rage because I wish I didnt have her to think about so that I could end this misery I feel.

The worse thing is I dont think if this passes and I am still here tomorrow that this will be the last time I feel like dying and giving up, and I wonder, if I still dont find a purpose for living, how long will the love for her be enough to keep me alive.

R.I.P - If only.....

2007-11-05T15:15:00.000Z

Damn I am so tired, these drugs are really making me sleep a lot.

I stayed in bed the entire weekend. Saturday I spent downloading songs and movies for my MP3 player that finally arrived.... I also downloaded complete Spanish and french audio language programmes for free and have been practising my Spanish, tried them both and just confused myself so doing one at a time.

After that, next stop is to brush up on my Greek, which is my language of choice but nowhere except Greece uses it and it is proving a little harder to find free Greek language programmes online to download to my MP3.

I watched the following films and here is my list and verdict;

Satan's Little Helper - in short a pile of wank, the little boy is the most annoying little shit, I almost wished Satan would do away with him first.

Drumline - liked it a lot actually, yet another black movie but this was easy to watch wasn't too cheesy and the actual drumline sequences are awesome to watch in the stadium.

I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry - HILARIOUS a must see for all gay people too in my book. I hope they show it at the L&G film fest next year. It has some really funny moments and also has some really good serious messages. I have always liked Adam Sandler ( cant stand Jim Carey or Ben Stiller much) and to know he produced and helped direct this movie was warming to me. He is such a dick and I love him.

I have yet to watch so many others so... considering I am getting so many mixed messages about how contagious Shingles is I am going to stay home till the end of the week and watch them all, trying to stay off the snacks especially as I am seeing the dietician tomorrow to see if I really have lost any weight and what else I can do to speed it up as I currently cant exercise till I know for sure what is up with my neck ( and the shingles go away).

I was feeling really sorry for myself early this morning at about 1am and I had no one else to call but Daddi, I was scared if the truth be known. Lately I am finding that a lot of my emotions and responses are based in fear. I had a sharp pain in the left side of my head last night and it freaked me out it was so painful, I tried not to cry but my emotions got the better of me and being alone and not being able to stop the noises in my head is taking its toll on me.

The noise only slows down and quietens when I hold my breath which leads me to believe it has something to do with pressure being applied somewhere in my neck. The strange thing is the noise is getting louder, I thought maybe I was just more aware of it and was being a big baby but I'm not the noise IS getting louder and it is so distracting especially when watching TV and because it is resonating in my jaw and through my teeth, no matter how loud the volume on the TV I cant drown it out sometimes.

I feel like screaming "Enough already!!!!" but what good will that do? I know that there are people out there in far worse situations than me and not complaining or feeling sorry for themselves, but I wish that I could just get a break, the past 10 months have been hell. I have been racially abused in the street, abused by my ex, told I have large Fibroids, Poly cystic ovaries, endometriosis, possibly have Cervical spondylosis, shingles, is it any wonder I am a little fragile right now.

The frightening thing for me is that as you get older your health can only get worse. I started worrying about what will happen when I am 60-70 if my back will go, if my eyesight will go-the optician also says I am at a very high risk of having Glaucoma in my eyes so I have to get my eyes checked every 6-10 months-I just wonder what my life will be like... childless, ailing health and single LOL... Great!! I better start stocking up on cat food now.

I have said it a million times and I can only use these words to describe how I feel again, I am tired, so tired. Drained and I am finding it hard to even think positive these past few months. I don't see my friends anymore mostly because I feel like such a drag and also because I feel like the only thing I will have to talk about is how shitty I am feeling and how I currently hate my life situation. They say misery loves company.... Not mine.

I am even losing my faith in spiritualism, I know now is the time I should be displaying my tenacity and strength, but I cant, I'm really pissed and angry inside. How sad is that.

I cant stay still long enough to think about my next move to improve my life and situation without crying. One good thing is though that I am not smoking, been about 4 months now I think and not had one, so that's good. I don't even miss it, the smell makes me wanna puke and I don't miss how groggy and sick it used to make me feel after the final pull, also I am not comfort eating anymore, aside from Friday when I treated myself to sushi home delivery.

I have been getting fruits and juicing, eating balanced meals or very little and sometimes when I fancy something sweet I just have a bowl of weetabix with honey or dried fruit. So at least I am trying to do something to not wallow in the mire

I had my X-ray done today, it's going to take a week before i get the results... thanks Guys as if the pain is not bad enough, I have to wait to find out what it is, *sigh*.... well I guess I have had it for going on 6weeks now another week should not make a difference... except I fear it might seeing as it has been getting worse. Fuck it!!! believe me when I say I just want to crawl into a fucking corner and die sometimes. Thank (whatever it is ) that I have these tabs to make me sleep or who knows what the hell I'd do siting awake at night mind racing.

Daddi is worried I will get addicted to these pain killers, Not gonna happen. I am so inconsistent I could'nt have a habit if I tried.

Off to watch some TV, part of me wants to get out a lot of other issues, more meaningful topics off my chest on my blog but I am just too consumed with my own bullshit to be able to get into it right now. Maybe when my own life has leveled out then I can start getting off my chest the problems of the world and society today as I see it. Until that time, as self indulgent/pitying/complaining and navel gazing as my blogging appears to me to be, I will continue to vent how I feel about my life, me and the people in it.......Zzzzzzzzzz!

The Drugs dont work

2007-11-02T19:24:00.000Z

OK just a quick update.

The pain in my neck was so bad I woke up in tears last night/early this morning. I called the doctor to see if I needed to go in or go straight to the hospital as I want an X-ray done, the receptionist said I should go to the hospital walk in centre - as by the time I woke up surgery was already closed for the morning- and get them to see me there.

I got dressed went all the way to the hospital and waited an hour in excruciating pain only to be told they would not, could not give me an X-ray without a form from my doctor I (threatened) said was going to go to A&E, didn't work, was told flatly that they wouldn't see me either. Pissed? yep.

I call the surgery and get to go in and get the form, the doctor asks why I feel the need to have the x-ray so soon and I tell him about last night and how the pain is getting worse.... Long story short, he thinks I have a condition called Cervical Spondylosis and is sending me for an MRI scan as well as an X-ray.

I now have extra strength pain killers 'Codeine Phosphate' and instructed to not handle machinery.... they are going to make me drowsy on top of the Diclofenac making me tired I may just be short of being comatose by next week.

Will keep you posted... if I can stay awake long enough.

Killer Products Courtesy of USA

2007-11-02T00:19:00.000Z

You know in my last post I mentoned the Killer informercials you get in the USA....?

Well here they are I found two most obvious ones..... Thank you YouTube.

Veramyst: Dont forget to read the small print on the botom of the advert as you watch it too.

Infinity Razor: Free chefs Knife, If you buy the upgrade in 5 years time you will get a free AK47... How COOOOOL!! *eye roll optional*

They disabled the embedded code so here is the link..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGP19_M0RcY

Btw This product has been deemed crap by many reviewers online who say basically this thing couldnt cut through butter on hot day.

Home

2007-10-30T22:34:00.000Z

Well It's been a roller coaster ride the past two weeks, as if my life isn't usually (insert eye roll here) .
I have just arrived home and I am shattered, laden with gifts and talismans, pictures, Fertility stones, memorabilia and emotions.

Due to the pain in my neck and also a itchy sore rash that had developed since I was unwell with that "cold" I rushed to the doctors today and it turns out I am suffering from shingles hence the rash and the "cold", the doctor gave me some cream to apply 5 times a day, the neck pain is yet unknown so I have been given super pain killers and anti inflammatory pills that I have to take 3 times a day and due to go back in a fortnight for a check up.

This doctor is really nice and was the one who put me forward for the fertility treatment, he asked how I was doing and we had a chat, he thinks I am suffering from depression after he asked me a few questions and talked about my slepping patterns etc blah blah and has arranged for me to see a therapist and start Cognitive Analytical therapy again (CAT), I am due to see the dietician about my weight loss next Tuesday.

The doctor said when asked that the shingles could haven been due to stress and exhaustion amongst other things... I figured that made sense.

The flight back was as hideous as the flight there, the loos were not working right, the in flight entertainment was on the blink and I was squashed between two's

(saw the wine in the local supermarket and had to take a picture)

......Who snored like troopers, took up all the room and both arm rests. I got no sleep the entire flight, the air stewards talked loudly amongst themselves about divorce, flights to Singapore, and the changing style of the US AIRWAYS uniform and how many limited edition scarves they accumulated to sell on to others, also not forgetting to mention that whilst the captain was talking to the passengers and giving us information they talked over him making it hard to hear updates. So needless to say I was cranky all the way home.

The last week of being in Florida was wonderful after our talk Daddi stepped up hys game and we did things and connected better, we discussed some deep topics and really got to know each other better. In Daddi's true spiritual way we both were able to see the positive in the hiccups and repressed feelings that arose during the first week.

And not forgetting to mention the sex was great *ahem*, the conversation was enlightening and stimulating and I think we gained more respect for each other, I met the parents and went Halloween shopping with Little Star, spent the day at the Beach and generally enjoyed my last week to the fullest.

I have a slightly different perspective on things and my life as well as acknowledgements of the things I need to work on. I was also given a handful of stones said to help with fertility that they bought for me before I arrived along with a giant rose Quartz crystal.

CARNELIAN: red-orange, yellow, brown
Promotes action, courage, helpfulness; stops confusion, inner attunement, cleanses, purifies, opens the heart, lifts emotions, protects from envy and fear and provides perceptiveness. Aids healing in the areas of gall bladder, kidney function, infertility, rheumatism and relieving cramps; stimulates the absorption of vitamins; ensures good blood circulation.

CHRYSOCOLLA: green to turquoise
Soothing and relaxing; promotes patience, flexibility, self-awareness, acceptance of change; and encourages clarity. Aids healing in the areas of infections (particularly throat and tonsils), digestion, and liver function; reduces fever; heals burns faster; lowers blood pressure.

GARNET: usually red, also found in green, brown, black, pink, orange and yellow
Promotes new beginnings, sexuality, prosperity; ends crisis; helps cope with daily problems; feminine strength, compassion, courage, attraction; eliminates energy blocks and taboos; encourages self-confidence and creativity. Aids healing in the areas of cell regeneration, immune system, arthritis and bones; accelerates wound healing, stimulates metabolism and circulation; anti inflammatory.

SUNSTONE: orange, brown iridescent
Promotes leadership, self-worth, good luck, optimism, desire for action; anti-depressant. Stimulates self-healing powers.

And the large one (as big as my hand and I have big hands) daddi gave me from his personal collection.

ROSE QUARTZ: pink
Rose Quartz is the stone of "gentle love" bringing peacefulness and calm. It also promotes beauty, purification, recovery, angelic dreams, well being, self-love, self confidence, romance and sensuality. Aids healing in the areas of depression, blood circulation, heart fortification, sexual problems and encourages fertility.

Hy is really caring and thoughtful.. Thanks Daddi. xx

Saying goodbye at the airport was hard, we took silly pictures together and generally made the best of the time we had left, as we were hugging our final goodbyes at the departure gate James Morrison's 'Undiscovered' played on in the background and we both giggled at the coincidence. One of the first things I sent Daddi in the beginning of our getting to know you stage was a link to the You tube video of this song and basically said this was me, I'm not lost, just undiscovered.

Daddi is coming to the UK for my 30th Birthday.

Here Birdie birdie.....

I must say though I thought the USA was bizarre with regards to many things, I forgot how hell bent they are on making people Fat.

The food is salty, the sugar content in everything including bread was shocking to my taste buds, they put butter on almost everything and generally it is no wonder they are overweight, I mean, we have our issues here too I know but not once did I see an advert/infommercial promoting the 5 a day lifestyle or to drink more water. There food is deep fried and mostly processed... I wonder what other parts of the US are like regarding this?

I never missed the UK so much in my life, I missed my juicer, they all drink soda and so had to buy water as daddi is not really that healthy much to my disappointment but ahh well. I missed my veg and had to constantly remind hym to take me to the store to get veg and fruit. When I finally had a balanced meal of cous cous and veg, my taste buds went crazy and my energy levels went through the roof.

The most shocking thing about the US for me so far was their infommercials promoting medication and drugs with sometimes fatal side affects and the amount of drugs that were being promoted but not even FDA approved and stated so or ommitted to state, basically telling the viewer take at your own risk...of death or the condition worsening.

Try to imagine turning on your tv screen to see an advert promoting a new product to help cure allergies and hay fever etc which you are in much need of as the old med is not working only to then hear the voice over state that-and I quote....

May cause temporary blindness, cataracts, eye and or
nasal infection, dizziness, headaches and rash.

WTF!?!

It doesnt end there, they currently have a new razor out that is said to be the best razor yet and if you order now they will send you a second one half price with a free butchers knife WTF!?!

Sheeesh!!!

I would go again though I woud just know better and try harder to shop at the irght places now I know where to go ...just have to get driving again.

Anyway.... before I go I wanted to share with you an artist I am keeping my eye on, you can find her Myspace page on my list of pages I like to visit, I think her voice is amazing and so far this is my fave song.

Food for thought

2007-10-21T22:21:00.000+01:00

I received a comment on my last post from Anonymous.

Just wanted to say that, that comment helped me more than you will know. I have since looked at my self and my behaviour and expectations and made steps to talk about them with Daddi and thanks to that person and OUR communication skills, Daddi and I talked about all of the issues highlighted in the last post.

They have just gone out to get dinner and I wanted to let you know we are back on track, we have been talking for hours and understanding each other. I am really happy that I was able to accept the criticism that I got and use it to change something. Now we are going to move forward and have promised to always talk even if we do not like what the other says we should talk anyway. I would also like to take this opportunity to say that I have also learnt first hand another very valuable lesson someone else once said about this thing called "blogging".

We put our feelings here without the obligation to be unbiased and fair, at least for me blogging helps me to let go of constantly looking at both sides of the coin and trying to see things from the view point of others for fear of hurting them or their feelings. When I blog I only discuss the feelings I have and without the need to rationalise them as often and frustratingly detailed as I do in real life.

So even though my words may seem selfish and one sided it is because I am using this medium to validate those initial thoughts and feelings without putting them through the second, third, fourth and fifth "filter" system I have going on in my head that moderates my rationale or logic.

So on that note I would like to thank the poster for their comment and say.....The fact I used your criticism to move forward and turn something around and make it better regardless, means I AM MATURE ENOUGH to be a parent.

Wanna go home

2007-10-21T12:50:00.000+01:00

Been ill since Thursday.

Neck pain giving me the worries, started thinking last night "what if it is a tumour or something." It is now appearing out of the blue only pain killers will make it go, not sure how much more I can stand. Period started last night.

The Zoo was nice, got to go into an Avery and hold birds, get shat on by birds and bitten by birds....Ahhhhh nature. The Kid, is rubbing me up the wrong way, but she is only being a 10 year old so cant blame her, but I have been stuck in the house with her for 3 days alone already by this point, it's putting me off wanting any the way I feel right now.

Things that are bugging me

Being stuck in the house - knew she wouldn't get much if any time off but didn't think she would work so late
Dog sleeping with or needing to sit in between us if there is the slightest inch of a gap, failing that, sitting on us.
Kid getting into every conversation, I believe kids shouldn't butt into topics of conversation that do not concern them, I don't care how smart they are. Ocassionally they do but ALL the frigging time?
The Kid gets away with not having a wash or shower everyday..WTF?

Me: " Do you want a shower now or before you go to bed tonight?".......

Kid: " My mum lets me have a shower every other day"......

Me: "Oh?!".

Put a call in to Mother and convo goes like this.....

ME: hey Hun you busy?

Mother: No, Why?

ME: Well Just wondered after what you said last night about you not taking a shower that night because you had one that morning and after what *bleep* said, i wondered if me taking a shower twice a day was costing you too much money and you were too embarrassed to tell me?"

Mother: No, what did *bleep* say?

ME: she said you let her take a shower every OTHER day.

Mother: Oh yeah, No. Water is cheap hun very cheap, Go ahead and have your showers, just I don't want to argue or stress her out about it.

WTF!!!???!!!

Now Unless your child or adult has a skin condition such as Eczema or dermatitis why would you not shower every day? Failing that, what stops you from at least getting a flannel, running soapy water in the sink and using the flannel to wash your under arms, wipe your body down and wash your arse and genitalia?? Come on people!!

Result....the Girl not had a shower now since Tuesday. Saturday morning mother doesn't even ask me when the last time her daughter bathed before she gets dressed and heads off to the Zoo.

Look I admit i don't wash everyday but here is the thing, if I am going to work i do,if I live in a hot climate I do and the only time I don't is if I am home in my jim jams all day. I think especially children need to get into good hygiene habits from an early age. the kid already has hairy legs and is shaving AT 10!!!!!!! What happens when she starts her period???

More...

Her mother doesn't get the Kid to comb her hair everyday or every other day even.....Result? Kid has yet to comb her hair since Monday and that is only a GUESS. The child has mixed hair, not tightly curled in fact very straight compared to most I have seen. including my 13 mixed cousins. But because it is thick the mother cant be bothered to do it, It takes too long, It makes her cry, I cant yet afford $100 to get it done by a black hair stylist. Sheeesh. Why don't people think about these things before hand. Black kids have the hardest time with hair and it being combed as a kid. Do you think for one minute our parents would let us not comb our hair everyday unless it was braided??? DEAL WITH IT!! so many products out there just for this problem.
Messy.

On one of the days I had the Kid i tidied the entire house, it was clean but a mess. Now i don't mind mess...But for Fuck sake!! If someone helps you out because ya kid says you have no time to do it then the least you could do is not step out your clothes and leave them in the middle of the room. if someone does all your dirty laundry and folds them neatly on the bed, the least you can do is not leave them there and sleep with them.

Now don't get me wrong if you want to live that way...OK, fine i can accept that. But it wont be with me.

Now I am trying to be respectful it is THEIR home not mine, i have been welcomed in it, they trusted me to be here and therefor i should respect their choices. So barring the issues with the dog I have not said a thing about how i feel about all of the above....Who am i to pass judgement or comment. The only thing is when I find someone who I like and who likes me how do you tell them the personal things about how they live that put you off/repulse you?

And worse still how do you tell a parent things like the above that would not be compatible with your idea of parenting? Especially when you have no idea what it is like being one?

Well, i guess the answer is ........You don't! hence why I am here on this blog.

Last night the kids was supposed to go to the grandparents to give us time alone for one night, Kid was dropped off at 20:30...................Back by 22;45. Allergy to grandparents Cats. Oh well Cest la vie.

Better get off now she is up and knows summin is wrong. More later.

Excuse all typos need to put this out there it's driving me nuts

Not working out

2007-10-21T02:06:00.000+01:00

gonna make this quick...
Dont think it is gona work out, the dog is a real issue for me, we cant even sleep one night in the bed when the kid is away because of the fucking dog, i think i am gonna have to call it a day, at least until the dog kicks it which i am told wont be long....

went to zoo kid getting on my nerves, really pmsing and fed up

more tomorrow

Freak on...

2007-10-19T00:00:00.000+01:00

OK quick update...

Daddi and I got it on and even slept together without being interupted. Daddi was truly shocked this morning!!

She has never done that before I cant believe she stayed where she was all night......

I smiled and later confessed that I had threatened her earlier in the day and suggested that if she got in the way of me getting some tonight she would be served up for dinner the following evening, I guess animals get people afterall.... Daddi rolled over and laughed planting a big kiss on me with a couple tickles added for extra measure.

So this morning when Daddi left I gave Frou loads of praise... she deserved it. Daddi says I have a sassy mouth, I guess I do but hey.... Just to make hym smile today I have cleaned the entire house from top to bottom, took Little Star out for lunch and even did some shopping. I cant wait to see hys face.....

Lil' star confessed to me today that her mum has smiled alot with me, aparently even when her mum ahs had past g/f she has not smiled as much... My heart almost melted, she also said that her mother told her that she wanted to hit it off with me... in other words she would like us to get along... hmm... So glad we had that talk about me not sure that I am ready for a relationship otherwise the pressure would be too much, I want to hang out and get to know her better first.

Hy will be home soon so logging off now to continue practicing the latest dance moves with Star, They love hip hop and r'n'b....Woohooo Oh yeah I now know how to Pop Lock and Drop..... except I cant do the drop cos my knee is fucked up LOL... so all I can do is 'Pop lock- without the drop' LOL... Now see if you can do it LOL

http://dancesfromthahood.mtv.com/clip.aspx?key=A529A900F7A17D89&ctx=feat

The story thus far.....

2007-10-17T14:38:00.000+01:00

Sunday morning I had my braids done by the stylist that comes to my home.... she had been away for a while and I guess she was losing her touch, the braids were too big the sections to small and the end result even after making a few comments has now resulted in my very fine mixed heritage hair being pulled from the roots......

Mad? you damn right I am. I have mentioned time and time again that I cannot have such heavy braids in my hair, the first time she did my hair the style was wonderful, she is usually very good and very fast, 3-4hours for a full head, this time it took her 8 hours for twice the thickness.

It's horrible to complain when most of it is finished and well, I believe in life there are certain people you should never piss off....

Your Doctor, Your Solicitor, The chef/cook, waiter/waitress and last but by no means least.... your hair stylist

So I paid her -more than I thought she deserved in hindsight-and let her go home.

>>>>>>>>>>FAST FORWARD>>>>>>>>>

Monday morning.

I tried to get some rest so I wouldnt be too tired but I was and ended up getting a taxi to King X thames link for the London to Brighton service Via Gatwick Airport.

Got there in plenty of time so I decided to check in at 06:45, my flight was not until 10:30 but I wanted to try and get the 'Bulk head' or an 'Exit' seat as my legs are so long and on such a long flight I was sure to be uncomfortable with anything else. It didnt work, I lucked out on this trip.

So as it was I sat in my little aisle seat behind a man who insisted on pushing back in the seat to get comfortable, I did kindly ask him at the begining of the flight if he would mind not doing so but he obvioulsy was a dick and he did it anyway....My poor knees.
To make it worse I was dehydrating rapidly, I didnt think to buy a bottle of water at the airport, with all the new regulations and security measures it didnt occure to me that as long as you purchased the food or beverage at the airport AFTER you checked in and got through the departure lounge then it was ok.

So there I sat in the bucket seat, leg cramping up, dehydrating and very emotional due to impending period compounded with hyper sensitivity. It was all started off by a rather abrupt and miserable flight attendant who snapped at me on my way back from the loo because I had brushed passed her hair as she was bending down- the truth is I hardly felt it and due to trying to avoid crashing into a toddler walking freely separated from his mother and the fact that the plane just did a bit of a dip I lost my balance and swerved a little in her direction as she was bent over looking into her luggage.... no doubt to reapply her heavy war paint to the Rhino hide face she had inherited. *Meaooooow*

I duly apologised but that just didnt make a difference, then to make my journey all the more pleasant my neck ache started, out of the blue, I was sure I had packed my pain killers but I couldnt find them so even though I knew that onboard a pane the chances of me getting a pain killer was not as big as the flight attendant's beufont, I asked her anyway only to be answered rather abruptly without so much of a 'can I get you a hot drink? or a cold compress?" fucking WITCH!!

Being dehydrated I decided I needed to ask for some water... I was not about to ask the WITCH anything again, so I managed to get 3 cupsof water an orange juice and a hot tea during the entire flight and I truly wish I had not bothered. Every damn 15-20 mins I had to use the loo, my fibroids have a way of reminding me they are there and going no where anytime soon.

I think due to my uterus getting swollen the fibroids are being pushed closer to my bladder, May need that free sample of TENA Lady afterall.

It was all in all very embarassing trying to avoid the looks from people in my vacinity of the plane due to the fact I couldnt contain myself. Finally with just 40 mins to go till we landed in Charlotte North Carolina I decided to exact revenge and fight back against my body to hold my pee till we landed, That's a lose lose situation I'll tell ya.

I was so tired, emotional and in so much pain from the legs the neck and also my uncomfortably full bladder I just sat and cried silently with my had down trying to make the best of the worst flight I have ever had in my life.

Landed in Charlotte North Carolina and needed the loo desperately. Went through customs smoothly after a few expertly probing questions from an official...Why is it even when you are not guilty you feel like you are!?! I felt like a 'mule', finally I get through another set of security areas and board the second plane to my final destination...

I am competely oblivious to the people around me as I try to look for the 'Baggage claim' section and I hear my name called out, the voice is familiar, for a hot minute my eyes searched through the people and I see hym, leaning against a wall in an open Khaki coloured shirt with a white t-shirt underneath, biege 3/4 length combat shorts and crisp white trainers. Standing beside hyr is Star, looking at me with a big smile on her face. I hug them both and collect my luggage after exchanging pleasantries and a few admiring glances.

>>>>>>>>Fast Forward>>>>>>>

We grab a pizza as it is late by the time we get to the house and we settle down to talk for a little while before Star is sent to bed for her big day at "work" the following morning.

We just sit and look at eachother for a while, my stomach flips as her green eyes stare at me, not smiling but desiring. We unfold and pump up the airbed - she lives in a one bedroom apartment for the time being and her daughter has the bedroom-after sorting the bed out my heart starts to race as I make my way to the shower to get freshened up and ready to collapse, secretly and defiantly wanting to betray the natural urge to sleep only to be able to stay up long enough to observe what might transpire between us next...... Tipota... Nothing.

That night she sleeps on the couch like a true gentlmyn and after talking a little more and exchanging "God, I want you" glances hy bids me good night, my heart sinks... Serves me right though. I am restless and my sleep is fitful, keep waking up feeling very aroused only to turn over and see hy is still on the couch fast asleep.....maybe hy doesnt want me afterall.....

We finally wake up at 6am to get Star off to her meeting point and as they leave knowing it will take only 20min before hy returns I race to the bathroom to freshen up, brush my teeth, adjust my headscarf and pack away the airbed to sit seductively on the couch... managing to grab the pooch to complete the picture just before I hear the keys in the door. Hy comes back with 2 hours to spare before work. I make some room on the couch and we sit at opposit ends body language saying a lot.

We talk about spiritual experiences and perspectives, just the type of light conversation you want first thing in the morning, I think we were just both nervous, hy keeps looking at me with those green eyes and my heart is pounding out of my chest. I feel so comfortable being here, almost like it is exactly where I have always been.

Hy gets ready for work and I get a quick peck on the lips, we both stand there embracing eachother for a hot minute, both of us wanting more but knowing we need to move on, time is not on our side. It was awkward prior to the kiss, we are like teenagers both wanting to do it yet not sure if the timing is right, both of us wondering how this "goodbye" is going to go.... I later find out hy created that feeling on purpose to tease me. I like hym more.

>>>>>>Fast Forward>>>>>>

I cook dinner like the helpful house guest I am and entertain Star for a little while when she arrives home from "work".

Hy comes home, we all chat for a while and decide to get an early night. I offer the other side of the mattress to hym and hy accepts, RESULT!!

Except one thing........ As we get comfortable the dog decides to get in the middle for a snuggle of her own.. HELL NO!!! Those who know me know that I love animals but I wont tolerate animals on or in the bed. I felt so awkward and digusted but I kept quiet for a little while then I felt that I had to say something so I gently said that I was not ok with the dog sleeping in the bed and that it was something that I would need time to adjust to..... NOW I knew full well that I would never "adjust" to having a dog or cat sleep on the bed but I wanted to not come across as aggressive or insulting about my position, afterall I am in their house and she is obvioulsy used to this behaviour and treatment.

Now dont get me wrong, I do fully understand that a pet is for most people the only consistent loving companion in their lives, many of them last longer than the longest relationship and Daddi and Frou have been buddies for 15 years before and after Daddi got sober 12 years ago but I truly believe that animals, as lovely as they are, are animals and they lick their own arses, the arses of other dogs, sometimes eat their own shit, lick their genitalia and generally walk in crap outside, you will never get me allowing a pet to lick my face or sleep in MY sleeping quaters.

This does not mean I dont give love or affection, on the contrary, I hug them, I am able to sit with them and I even talk to them and treat them with love and respect but the fact remains that as clean and "hygienic" as they might be, the level of hygiene in animals and humans are very different, the acceptable bacteria and forms of bacteria are different.

Now it gets me to thinking, in part it must be a cultural thing as well as a personal preference thing, I have yet to date a woman of colour who sleeps with her pets, in our community as a whole, it is not acceptable and frowned upon. Not saying that certain individuals of an ethnic background do not do this but in my experience it tends to be mainly women from western countries....... ok dammit I will say what I mean... White women, as much as I have no issues dating women of other races at all, in fact most of the women I date so happen to be white, the one constant thing I have had come up numerous times and what has contributed to even being turned down is that most, not all, of the white women I have dated wouldnt think twice about sharing themselves intimately with their pets.

It is something I just dont agree with.Hygiene is something I am steadfast about and even though I can see why such bonds are formed it does not excuse it, so instead of making a woman choose between her pet companion and me in the past I would rather leave and move on.

So.... There I am laying on this bed feeling awful, I have just told this woman that I am not comfortable with this and she has decided to sleep on the couch....WITH the dog. Now I thought maybe she just didnt want to be with me and was trying to turn me off... dammit it worked.
I was angry that she decided in that moment to go and sleep on the couch and leave me hanging, especially after our raunchy conversation on her office phone earlier in the day and the sexy story she had me read to get me in "the mood" for when she got home I felt majorly rejected and I had to get up and take time out in the bathroom, due to the hormones I had a little cry and tried to rationalise the situation in my head. I hate crying, it's usually because I am premenstrual why I do.

I get back in bed and dammit I cant sleep... I am so wound up and disappointed in all in one fail swoop I just lay there feeling like crap because I have also hurt hys feelings and I lost out.

The morning was tense, I tried to make small talk and act natural but hy was cranky from having a bad nights sleep obvioulsy stumped as to what to do about the imposing mut.

I decided in my mind that I was not going to let it spoil the trip and that I would leave it to hym to figure it out, and unfortunately I would have to stay put and silently give the ultimatum... either you make the pooch sleep somewhere else or you dont get any..... Blackmail? NO... simply me putting my foot down and validating my feelings as well as hys, for heavens sake it is not like I am saying get rid of the dog or me....

I make a couple poignant remarks and kiss Daddi on the cheek and usher hym through the door off to work thinking.... 'You go figure out what to do with your pooch'..... But I didnt say it.

Little Star is home today, she is not feeling so good.... not enough sleep that's why, so I agreed to allowing her to stay home with me, I dont mind she is a good kid and providing she doesnt build a camp fire in the house I am good letting her do her thing, making sure she eats and is ok.

Daddi called me whilst typing this and we had a chat about last night, hy agreed that it was an uncomfortable situation for us both and that it took a while before hys Ex got around it, I assured hym that I would'nt, as much as I respect the position this pet has as part of the family, I wouldnt be budging.

Hy said hy understood and admitted hy did'nt know what to do and stated jokingly that the dog didnt have much longer to live if it was any consolation.... NO It IS NOT!! If this dog died whilst I was here especially after last night I would definately feel terrible and guilty. I dont want the dog to die I just want the dog the have a place to sleep that is not with me.

I said that if Daddi wanted to "get any" hy would have to sort something out. Hy said that when hy does get- I quote...- Hys " freak on" the pooch knows when to stay away and finds somewhere else to sleep.... I made it clear that there was no way that I would be getting it on and then sharing the bed with said gate crasher post orgasm.

So there it is left...... I am not talking to the dog today and unless Daddi does something and puts hys foot down I wont be talking to hym either and hy will be spending every night on the couch and not so much of a kiss on the lips...... Yes I am giving an ultimatum this time because now I think I am past caring, they have to meet me half way Dammit.

God I am so dehydrated it is awful, my skin feels like sand paper no matter how much moisturiser I put on and my throat feels like the Sahara in a sand storm. flipping Air conditioning.

Off to finish the rest of the raunchy butch/femme story Daddi gave me to read..... In hope that tonight I will be able to satiate my desire. Daddi later confessed that hy fancied me and just wanted to be a gentlmyn not pouncing on my the first night, but last night hy was more than ready and he lay awake feeling angry with Frou for sticking a spanner in the works but tonight will be different. I teased like a naughty girl and mocked Daddi.

Hy said I will pay for it later.....

5 Hours Behind....

2007-10-16T16:33:00.000+01:00

Hey

I am just checking in as I arrived yesterday but I didn't fair too well on the travelling and the connecting flight and stuff so taking today to chill out and get some more sleep as Daddi and offspring are out at work and school, well I will call her STAR, today she is on a field trip and guess what??.....

They have this mini village here that the kids get to go and learn at how to be Cashiers, Managers, Bank clerks and the such, so for the day they get to go to "work"....How cool is that!! The shops are exact replicas of the real shops, banks etc

They even teach them how to write cheques and handle money and about business, this is all part of the school curriculum. Star is a darling, she is mixed race beautiful eyes and features just like her Mum, you definitely know who her mother is looking at them.

I am spending the day to get better sleep and playing video games and playing with the miniature poodle called 'Frou'. Yeah a butch with a poodle... I know.. long story and to be honest it is not mine to tell so....Let's just laugh out loud at the irony. :o) LOL

I will give you an update later and also tell you what the argument was all about.

But for now, I am here and going to rest today.

Thank You...

2007-10-13T05:41:00.000+01:00

Morning,

It's 05:42am....why am I up? well I woke up with that neck stiffness again. I had a good nights sleep last night and thought I'd sorted the problem but evidently not. I am not sure if this is stress related.

Anyway I woke up at about 04:45am and decided to root out the muscle relaxant/anti inflamatory tabs I had been given a few months back to maybe do the trick......WELL... it was obviously not a few months back, I rooted around in that draw you know the one you always keep shit in for a "rainy day" because you are a secret hoarder located in the kitchen? only to find it expired in May of this year.....Not advisable to take so I didnt but I did look in my book 'Before you Call the Doctor' By the people's favourite doctor. Dr. Hilary Jones. (God that's a 'Faggoty Arse Faggots' name if ever I heard one.....Just messing)

Picked this book up in Matalan about 4 months ago for about £3....So I consulted the almanac and decided that my symptom was not included in its entirity so I called NHS DIRECT.... In case ya wondering it's a fabulous service. (0845 46 47... hey look ya never know).

After going through a few questions it was determined I try taking pain killers, which believe it or not I had yet to do. Not because I am one of the 7 dwarfs but simply because being a stiffness in the neck - and now a mild ear ache - I didnt want to be numb to the pain incase I worsened the condition without being able to feel it.

Anyway on the advice I was given by the nurse I am going to look for some Ibuprofen...lets hope it's not in the same draw (eek - exp 10/2000 LOL just kidding). I also didnt hang up without expressing my appreciation for the people doing this service around the clock so -mild hypercondriac- people like me can sleep well at night not worrying.

Yes the NHS fucks up but you know what!?!.. In my experience between the 24 hour emergency doctor, 24hour NHS direct helpline (where you get to speak to a trained nurse) and the NHS drop in centre open from 08:30am-...wait for it.........22:00PM I am happy with the service I get. I am also aware this is not the case for everyone around the counry but I have to give credit where credit is due.

OK the birds are starting to sing now so I am going to end this with saying what I orginally started this post to say....

Thank you to all the people who read and comment on my Blog, I am still new to this and not sure if I reply on your blog to things you have said on mine, if I reply on MY blog to things you have said on mine or if I simply just publish them. So Just to show my appreciation (and confusion) I thought I would start a post just to thank all the past, present and future readers/comment posters of my Blog. It's is the fact you are reading I continue to write and I welcome your comments, positive and maybe not so.

DDxxxxx

Come back later, I will fill you in on the mini argument I had with Daddi last night....

Butch power - Femme Submission

2007-10-11T09:51:00.000+01:00

Image courtesy of artist Jack Vettriano

I like butch women

I find the power they have enticing

They don't care they look like dykes

They are very open with their masculine traits

They are bold and I like to think they are in control

I like to surrender my control and self to a butch,

it makes me feel wanted and desired,

to have Daddi tell me what to do and do with me as hy pleases.

I like pleasing,

I like to be told I am a good girl for taking the sweet punishment of penetration

Taking it ALL inside to please Daddi....

I like to lay there and be tortured into submission

when I disobey and the glint of defiance flashes in my eyes...

I like to be shown who is boss when

my stubborn ways get the better of me

And

I resist Daddi's advances much to hys disapproval and entertainment

Reenacting the desires and scenes that send Daddi over the edge only fuel to excite me Make me want to become those characters,

Willing hym to take and torture, then finally to reward,

Reward me for all the good behaviour,

Reward me for all the submission I have given and the trust....

To then be cradled out of my mental 'sub space'

Wrapped in the arms of Daddi bringing me back.

To warmth,

To tenderness.......

To love....

Don't Cry....

2007-10-10T08:57:00.000+01:00

Hey.....

Not sure what to say about this feeling I have inside but I seem to be opening up to Daddi more and more, sometimes I even surprise myself with tears and overflowing emotions that I have stored inside for so long. The abusive relationships physical and emotionally, the fear of not being on track and the feeling of being lost that I just cant see to get rid off.

I never want people to see that side of me its too painfully vulnerable. Fear of what they might think if they saw the cracks, the depressed 14 year old resurfacing. I have to be strong, not just for me but I have people who rely on me to be strong and be a rock for them. I cant be weak.

I feel SO SO lost right now, everytime I think I am on track with my life be it a job prospect, motherhood trying to find my lifes purpose, something happens to dispel that and I am yet again back to square one, non the wiser about my direction just more confused than I was before.

I feel like I am playing a game and making all the wrong moves, only to exasperate my situation even more... everytime I think I have made the right move something happens and just shouts that I am not....Only life isnt a game, at least not for me.

It feels like I am in the Headmasters office and he is waiting for the correct answer whilst giving me clues but everytime I think a clue has given it away and I reply ..................THWACK!!!.... i'm wrong and I have to try again....doing this for days on end, each clue seemingly easier than the last...... but my answers are still wrong.

I almost feel like I cant even trust my intuition anymore, what do I know???.............. Nothing.

I envy those that have a purpose to their lives, be it children that make them wake up in the morning, work that they enjoy that fulfils them and makes them satisfied or even a Monk who understands the order of life and sits happily contemplating. I long for that......I long for a feeling of peace and knowing and fulfilment. Sick of this empty life I lead.

I have nothing to wake up for in the morning, work?....work is just that. I do it to exist. sometimes I dont even feel like I am living, that's why sometimes I get more piercings, to FEEL something other than despair and pain and it's almost as though the pain, the healing pain grounds me to the here and now and confirms that I am alive.

I'm worn out....I feel truly worn out right now.

Here is the song that Daddi sent me last night, hy also included the words of the song in the email ....That made me cry too LOL....the things Hy says scares me but in a way I am almost welcoming someone who can do for me and be strong for me, I darent think too far ahead to what will happen if we want to be together.

I cant think that far ahead...its too much....I'm not ready to leave my home and my mum, leave my perfect co-parent and my chance for a baby here in the UK, I dont even think I am ready for a relationship, but to be honest I do need someone who has the wisdom Hy has and the life experiences that match mine with a similar outlook, I need someone who will be able to hold my hand when I am lost and whom I can trust to take care of me when I dont feel strong enough to take care of myself...

Anyway here is the video. The song is not my type but I listen to the words.

Hy sent this because I was doing a lot of crying on the phone last night.

"Don't Cry"

Don't be so hard on yourself.
Those tears are for someone else.
I hear your voice on the phone.
I hear you feel so alone.
My baby.
Ohh my baby.
Please my baby,
My baby,
When we were young,
And truth was paramount.
We were older then,
And we lived our life without any doubt.
Those memories,
They seem so long ago.
What's become of them? When you feel like me I want you to know.
Don't cry.
You're not alone.
Don't cry,
Tonight, my baby.
Don't cry,
You'll always be loved.
Don't cry,
Tonight.
My baby.
Today I dreamed,
Of friends I had before.
And I wonder why.
The ones who care don't call anymore.
My feelings hurt.
But you know I overcome the pain.
And I'm stronger now,
There can't be a fire unless there's a flame.
Don't cry.
You're not alone.
Don't cry,
Tonight, my baby.
Don't cry.
You'll always be loved.
Don't cry oh...
Limousines and sycophants,
Don't leave me now,
Cause I'm afraid what you've done to me.
Is now the wolf.
In my bed,
In my head.
In my head.
In my head.
The challenges, we took were hard enough.
They get harder now.
Even when we think that we've had enough.
Don't feel alone,
Cause it's I you understand.
I'm your sedative,
Take a piece of me whenever you can.
Don't cry.... you're not alone.
...don't be so hard on yourself...
Don't cry.... tonight my baby
...Those tears are for.....someone else...
Don't cry.... you'll always be loved
...I hear your voice on the phone...
Don't cry.... tonight sweet baby
...I hear you feel... so alone.
Cause you still be loved
Don't cry
Don't cry tonight

Don't cry tonight
You'll still be loved..

THANK YOU DADDI xx

Farewell Flowers...

2007-10-08T19:13:00.000+01:00

Just wanted to share these with you... I got these today from the company I have been working at for the past few months on and off...I have helped them out of many a sticky situation so for that they decided to show me some apppreciation...LOL I'm a Poet and I did'nt even know it......*groan* I know.....

Fank you Guys xxxxx

7 Days To GO..........

2007-10-08T13:46:00.000+01:00

I really need to do something about my Pillows... I have been waking up with a crick neck for the past week now OWW!!

Well It is now 7 days till I meet her....

More about my feelings on that later, but Friday I had my PDA (mobile) stolen.

It was really bizarre I called DH to see if she wanted to meet up if she was in town and was hoping I would meet her after all this time but then I looked for my mobile on my way home on the bus and realised someone had pinched it as I got off. I duly reported it to my service provider and also the Police and got myself a crime reference number and also reported it to my insurance company.

The mad thing is I even called the Bus garage this morning in the hope that someone would hand it in....No joy.

To be honest the person who has it is buggered anyway as they cant get into the phone as it is locked with a password, the back street people who unlock phones wont be able to as I secured that only a few weeks prior to having it nabbed. And there is no way they can even use a different service provider SIM with the phone, so in short they are stuck with a phone they cant use anyway...... HA HAAAAA!!!

Not too upset now about it, at the time I was and went online to Daddi to get some consoling and well.. Hy didn't really know what to say and I kind of got arsey as I was all ready annoyed at Hym for not giving me the Full ADDRESS for the Tesco Internet phone I posted which resulted in the postman being unable to deliver it and it now being it's way back to the UK... The fucking postage cost more than the phone....... Well at least I didn't pay for it. BUT That is not the point. it is not even worth sending it again and I wont get it before I go so may have to take one with me and return the one I get back to Tesco when I get home.

So yes she felt my wrath LOL. Well all is OK now.

I am really looking forward to the break to be honest and hopefully I will have some fun too ;).

Hmm what else...?..... AH YES!! I am also selling an original signed poster from the Spice Girls I got when they were just starting out, it was one of the first promotional materials that Virgin their then record label put out and I have one, so it is now selling on Ebay... Hoping to get something for it.

I have been doing nothing but chillin' this past weekend and having great orgasms LOL with the aid of Daddi and the imagination of Yours Truly :D

I have now also resumed downloading movies from the net, I managed to fit 6 movies on one DVD and have been watching them on my new 32" screen in my bedroom... woohoo!!!!

Trying to think what else has been happening.....to be honest that is it really. I am feeling good in all but missing certain friends that I have failed to stay in touch with.... not feeling good about that but is partly because life has been so up and down. I do think I should get in touch. One in particular, I feel really guilty as I didn't make her birthday night drinks even though I said I would then at the last minute I fell asleep :o(. She is on facebook... I wonder if she is annoyed at me? I did apologies at the time though.

I am so excited about Monday, I assume it will go something like this for the next week....

Pack suitcase

get more items of summer clothing

re pack suitcase

sort out what shoes to carry

Double check I have packed everything I would possibly need

Unpack suitcase

re asses what shoes to carry

re pack suitcase

Go and get Manicure and Pedicure

Get hair done

Re-check documents

re-check clothes....in other words double check suitcase... LOL!

Try to get some sleep during the afternoon early evening so that I am not too tired in the morning as I know the excitement the night before will prevent me from sleeping altogether the later into the night I try to sleep so I am better off getting sleep early evening till about 10-11pm and If I am lucky will wake up refreshed at 2am watch some TV and get a bath for the long journey..... check my suitcase and that I have tickets and Passport and insurance documents in my matching PINK hand luggage :).

I am so excited I have not been back to the USA for almost 10 years.... I am hoping to go again in January for my 30th... we will see.

Here is a video that has been making me laugh lately... I LOVE Phil Collins and the Genesis stuff so this was hilarious for me to watch.... I have heard some people saying they just dont get the advert well I ahve just called the makers at Cadbury and they ahve said the following

The advert is meant to emulate the
feeling you get when eating a cadbury's chocolate bar

ROFL PMSL!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!

RANTING & RAVING......and LOTS of swearing

2007-10-04T11:47:00.000+01:00

I have decided to use this post today to get random stuff off my chest...

MY INFERTILITY

People who have kids naturally and say to me..

It will happen when you least expect it

Don't be so fucking stupid!! How can I least expect something I have to plan every month??? I am not sleeping with a man so how on Gods earth do you think it will happen when I least expect it??? I am not the Virgin Mary.

And similarly don't tell me.....

It will happen soon enough, it just isn't the right time yet

GRRRRR FUCK OFF!!! It annoys the shit out of me when people say this to me whilst grinning at their successful offspring.... When you have had infertility issues and you are a lesbian THEN you come and talk to me about staying positive!!! Until that time think of something else to say or dont say FUCK ALL at all....

And don't wonder why I am pissed.... I am pissed because it hurts like a bitch when you see some skanky woman screaming at the top of her lungs at her child ( usually under 5yrs) because she has no self control or a clue on how to be a good effective parent.

I am pissed because some people just see kids as an inconvenience to their oh so important existence. Don't expect someone like me to have sympathy towards you for the bad Ass kids you raised.

Once dated a woman who didn't even want her child and it was evident to me after a couple weeks when I noticed she kept her 5 year old daughter so busy simply so that she didn't have to spend time being a mother to her, every weekend that poor child was sent to her grand parents or her father just so the mother didn't have to spend time with the child, every night of the week the daughter had some class or another to keep her away from the home.

Now at first I thought WOW what a great parent you are keep your child busy and off the streets and stimulated....... On deeper reflection it was evident the child missed her mother and the only reason this woman had a child was so that her parents would accept her sexuality. So she had her via self insemination and it worked on the third try.

To be honest NOTHING that a woman who has conceived her child naturally/by happenstance can say to me will ever make a difference in how I feel, in fact the words 'Oh it will happen, when the time is right' only serve to annoy the shit out of me and evoke rage, unless she TRULY knows something I don't.

I am not usually this sceptic about life, all my problems and struggles have happened for a reason and even in the midst of pain I can still feel at peace that whatever is happening is for the best in the long run and God knows what hy is doing even if I don't, but this situation for me is different... In the first year I understood that and even half way into the second year I was still positive, now I am just PISSED as hell. It just doesn't seem fair. It doesn't make me bitter or resentful towards individuals, just this thing called LUCK.

TUBE/UNDERGROUND

MOVE OUT THE FLIPPING WAY!!! when people are getting off the tube could you kindly MOVE!!???.. It is so annoying when you just stand there like a MONG looking into that space that you so desperately want and not allowing others off. Also If you are standing by the doors on the inside of the carriage and it is packed to the hilt would it really hurt you to step off backwards to secure you place and allow the people to get off then re board????? Think about it you NINKENPOOP!!

When the carriage is really and truly full, STOP trying to push on, it's rude, inconsiderate and makes everyone have a shit start to the day when you insist on forcing your size 22 frame into a space that is 10inches wide.....

MEN/NON PREGNANT WOMEN......If you are able bodied. Get up off your lazy arses and give a seat to a pregnant woman!! yes pregnancy is natural and people have been getting it for years, NO it is not a sickness but just imagine having to carry half a stone extra, and stand in a hot carriage and be pushed and prodded by all those that insist on pushing on when there is a train exactly ONE FUCKING MINUTE behind this one??!!!!

Also I know you don't have eyes at the back of your head but would it be at all inconsiderate of me to assume you would not walk like you were going to a funeral in the middle of the platform in rush hour????? DAMMIT some of us have life in our bones and need to get somewhere!!!!

UMBRELLAS

Please for Christ's sake could please watch what the hell you are doing with those spikes whilst walking on busy streets and street markets!!!!!

PUBLIC NOSE PICKERS

Do that SHIT IN PRIVATE!!! It is the most disgusting thing to see a grown person picking their nose and EATING IT or WIPING IT ON CHAIRS AND WALLS on public transport!!! STOP IT!!! its NASTY... wait till you get home or use a tissue for Christ's sake... some of us have dinners to go home and make and the visual you so considerately treated us to makes some of us heave. If I catch you doing it i will say out loud how disgusting you are and embarrass you in public as I have done so many other times before... It's GROSS... STOP IT!!!

WOMEN WHO WEAR WEAVES

Get the right colour and If it needs redoing for heavens sake wear a head scarf... Also no one wants to see your hair having a fight with your forehead and regrowth!!! Get it sorted!!

DRIVERS

If you see a learner driver at the traffic lights and they have stalled the car or are not pulling off as quickly as you would like them too can you try to remember when you were just learning and how daunting it is when you come to a busy road?.. Don't be a prize wank stain and honk ya horn/ curse out ya window or generally be a prick especially when you think you are a boy racer with ya skanky hip-hop/Chav wannabe girlfriend in the passenger seat.

JEREMY KYLE

SELF RIGHTEOUS PRICK, You were fuck all before Jerry springer came to our shores and had to take a break to do his theatre show, on his days off you would fill in for him. You started off as a refreshing chat show host but after getting your foot int he door you started to think being a showman was more important than people's feelings. You started to get all high and mighty as you passed comment on your guests, as the audience stood behind you and pretty soon you started to take it all too far...You're a CU*T.

MY EX (I no longer love you)

FLORIDA HERE I CUM...

2007-10-03T15:56:00.000+01:00

OOPs I mean COME. ;o)

I am so chuffed, I have just booked my ticket to go to Florida and also got a good deal on an annual travel insurance policy. I tell you, I love MoneySavingExpert.com, it has shown me the light on so many things and how to save money. It truly is a ONE STOP SHOP for those that are frugal and/or need to save every penny or simply love a bargain.... like Moi.

Printed off 3 copies of my E Ticket... I get really anal about travelling when I do travel, everything has to be just so. I have printed 3 because one is for my suitcase, one for my mum - just in case something happens to me and she needs the details- and one to stay at home in case both get lost. Needless to say I have done the same with my travel insurance policy for the same reasons.

I am also taking my matching pink Cases and my matching Pink passport holder... pictures will no doubt be added closer to the time..... OH MY I wonder what the fashion is there in Florida?? I don't want to go out there thinking I am the epitome of trend and look like an edjit.

Well I will keep you posted, I actually have to do some work... BASSSTards!!.. What do they think? they pay me to work?.....NO LOVE they pay me to simply BE here.... dammit!!

I wish..

Here is my SONG of the day... This is how I feel about meeting a new love, be it now or in the future, she will have to dig a little deeper than most........

A Change is about to come......

2007-10-02T12:32:00.000+01:00

Famous Last words, or Prophetic?

Well since last blogging I am starting to feel a little better about my life, so lets see... where do I start?....

Weeeell, the weekend before last, when I was feeling extremely horny I ended up on this website and saw a woman advertising for another, I was captured by her profile title 'Daddi seeks Hys Queen' ...

"Oooh"

I thought.. nice line. Now you know what sold me on that dont you...? Come on you must be getting to know me by now LOL... yep you got it, it was the word "Daddi".

I decided to click on the link to get more info, read through the criteria made sure she was butch and of a good height.. Tick .,.. Tick... and then if she wanted kids?... Ti- OH... it said she already had one and didnt want anymore. Now usually I would be put off but seeing as I am not looking for a relationship it didnt matter to me.

Well then I scrolled down and saw a pic.... CUTE!!!!.. interestingly enough this was a site mainly for women of colour- to be honest I was only on that site as I was looking for more erotic reading online and my curiosity made me look at the personals.. knowing full well they were all going to be in the USA. I was just curious is all. - This woman was white and clearly stated that she didnt care if people didnt like the fact she was on a site predominantly for women of colour she didnt discriminate. That got my attention.

I decided to email her and simply state that I wouldnt mind making a new friend and that I thought she was cute..... finally after adding a link to my picture and pressing send.. my pc broke again DOH!!

I waited anxioulsy the next day for a reply and when one came she asked if I thought she was cute as in " puppy dog cute"... that made me giggle, I used my PDA to respond and made it very clear I thought she looked sexy... well from then on we have been talking everyday via phone and the net, she is very spiritual, has a good job that is worthwhile and fulfilling that she loves, she has an adorable daughter and a great sense of humour.

I am planning to go and see her in two weeks.... OK OK most would think I was mad but to be honest I have done far riskier things in my time and she seems nice. Besides....

1) I had decided I needed a break from the UK for a couple weeks now as the stress of dealing with the bitch and the hozzie appointments have been getting me down.

2) I can afford it and why wait?!

3) I will be moving to the states anyway in a few years so why not take the opportunity to go and see as much of the place as possible

So why Not!?! I say, I will only live once and I have a good feeling about it, besides I think she may just be worth it even if we end up being only friends and not clicking in that way. I have always had a weaknes for American women especially the butch ones.. Mmmmm.

OK a bit more about her?.. Well she is 36, a Gemini, lives with her daughter and also is a counsellor appointed by the court system to help people with addictions.... I know!! I just keep finding these women with connections to alcohol and drugs in some form or another - it has been pointed out that maybe more people take part in these things than I know.

She is also a Reverend!! I LOL I know I know!! CRAZY!! or what!!?! Well anyway...... she is also into parapsychology and deals with supernatural phenomena... I am so excited!!! I have been really interested in that stuff from a child and finally meeting someone else who has a healthy interest is really exciting for me. Not only that but her life is lived by utilising Bhuddist beliefs and she is very spiritual as well as a realist.

I have sent her a Tesco internet phone so we can keep intouch for free and chat whenever we want.. its FREEEEEEE and we all know that Freeness is Goodness. She should get it soon.

I am not thinking she is Hysband material but you know what?... If she is then she is.

OK enough about that for a while.

I have also been thinking maybe I need to change my skills, talking to 'Stud' last night I was thinking maybe I should go into youth counselling... I know I would be a great counsellor and I love working with and helping to inspire young people. You may remember me talking about meeting this woman in the steam room a few weeks back and being sure she was a Lesbian... well how WRONG was I?? Very infact, I saw her this weekend and we had a chat as I was waiting for my Total body work out class to begin... Yes I went back for more punishment.....it turns out she is also trying for a baby with her BOYFRIEND and she is older than me.

She asked me what I did for a living and I told her, she asked if I would be interested in mentoring young people and giving talks on various topics?... I was shocked but agreed and also said that I had been thinking about doing youth work and opening up a centre in the past.

She said whe would email me this week with more info and obviously it would be unpaid.

Suits me.

I finsh at my current post on Friday, ... so that leaves me free to decide and go away on holiday for two weeks. I am already wondering what quals would give me the upper hand when I do finally go to the States.

Oh I just wanted to share something with you that 'Daddi' sent me to help me try to get through all the things I am going through right now and in particular I think the whole Fertility thing..

It is called 'Dying professors last lecture'

The last quote almost made me cry, this is one of the things I like about her, I get things like this that help me through what I am going through in life. Only my best friend and selective others think about me and my needs in this way and for that I will forever love them.

OK what else do I have to share ......My juicer is still going strong and I am losing weight.. I can feel it and also I am getting a lot fitter especially as I can now walk up 60 steps without being out of breath and without stopping whilst the others take the adjoining escalators at my local tube station. I will progress to running up them by this time 2010.

I recently heard that the Bitch is back on the drugs and drinking, I think I did the best thing to get away from her for good, she is far too destructive, maybe she is hurting but FUCKING GET COUNSELLING AND STICK WITH IT YA DOOFUSS!!! Anyway.... Anytime I feel an ounce of pity for her I think of all the shit I put up with. Daddi said something very interesting the other day.....

.." The closest us "Normal" people come to insanity is being in love"

I totally agree.....Thank you Daddi....xx

Too Skinny for Skinny Jeans

2007-09-26T23:17:00.000+01:00

Hey
Well I cant stay long tonight I am shattered, I have had less than 16 hours sleep in 3 days.. Knackered. Not because of sex, just a lot going on and not eating properly, In fact I am even too skinny for my skinny jeans that I bought a month ago, if that.

My diet has been going well and I find if I dont get to eat dinner I make some juice with at least 5 different fruit and veg and I am good to go to bed. Speaking of which I am really in need to go to bed and get my groove on with my new 32 inches... ooh I didnt think I could take more than 3 LOL

Anyway I will fill you in later on speaking to a Butch Daddi online and thinking about going to Florida for two weeks the week after next....

Adults Only

2007-09-22T09:18:00.000+01:00

Image courtesy of Jill Posener @ jillposener.com Her book 'Nothing But The Girl' is pretty cool.

OK, due to the fact I have been up since about 6am reading this persons blog and stories (click on the post title) I have now only got one thing on my mind and contrary to my last post guess what that is......SEX.

Now, not just any kind of sex,Oh No! for it has to be the 'hardest kind to find sex'.......Kinky-butch/femme sex. The submisisons are so erotic I am beside myself with desire and there is nothing I can do about it, no one to turn to for relief.

Now just before I go any further, since gaining readers I have been thinking alot about how I may be judged i.e my Kinks and my quest for mother hood, and I think just for the record I want to say:

Having Kinks does not make a person a bad candidate for parenting, a non consensual pervert and nor does it make you lose all sense of principles and morals.

Just in case some of you were thinking along those lines.

Back to the topic at hand. Thank you to Sugarbutch ( not yet figured out how to include a short url in my posts...can anyone help?) for her blog and allowing it to be open to the public.

It reminded of possibly the best ever (bottom) sex I have ever had and I am (almost)desperately trying to find that connection again, unfortunately it only lasted a couple weeks ( one of the non starters I spoke about in my last post - not sure how to link to that either...help!).

I will call her .....Blue69.

We met on a lesbian dating website and she didnt have a picture, but for some reason I was curious about her, after reading her profile I sent her a message of some kind....my memory fails me on details before our first date... so I shall proceed from there.

We aranged to meet up and I was invited to lunch at a rather swanky resturant/bar/amazing view of the city type location. As well as being eager I was running about 30 mins late in my short denim skirt long boots and a black, sexy yet classy top, that from the right angle - namely from above - you could see my oh so ample cleavage.

I arrived eventually after making a courtesy call saying I was going to be late and offering my apologies, upon arriving I immediately made my way to the ladies to look fresh and sexy, not frazzled and sweaty. Completing the job making sure I had not over done the make-up I didnt want to keep her much longer so out I stepped.

She was sitting by the bar at the back. WOW... She had short dark hair, the most beautiful eyes and a smile that just said she was nervous yet pleased. I was impressed. I was also nervous. She was wearing a black shirt and jeans. We matched.

After greeting me with a kiss on the cheek she ordered me a drink and we sat for awhile, talking about what? I dont remember so....I fast forward.>>>>>

We have a table booked and as we wait for them to open up the restaurant we go outside and take a look at the view, I brought my new digital camera and was eager to get it out and take a few snaps. I took one and as she stepped closer behind me to see the Image I wanted to immortalise form over my shoulder, I got a whiff of her fragrance....my knees almost buckled, how I didn't notice it before I don't know I think it was the nerves, from that point on the sexual charge was intensifying.

We finished our meal and a bottle of champagne then decided to go further into town. we ended up at a movie, we watched 'Transamerica' I remember because I kept the ticket stub, that was the only thing I remember...OH and the fact that Blue69 looked slightly awkward siting next to me, sometimes I would catch a glimpse of her and it was as though her eyes were looking at the movie but she was not watching, in hindsight I think her mind was racing else where.

Then we went into a bar, I waltzed upstairs hoping to find a spot more quiet, less crowded but I was told by the staff it was closed until later that evening, I was disappointed, why? at that time I was not sure.

Downstairs we found a round table and settled on high bar stools and drank, I had a fruit juice, she had beer. She rested her left foot on the foot rest below my stool, parting my legs - I should have known what was coming - she ordered me in a stern whisper to part my legs wider and come closer, I was shy and refused, she didn't like that, and little did I know I would later pay for my refusal that night.

As we drank and talked about nothing I remember, we decided we wanted to go somewhere more comfortable, so I asked her to wait as I went upstairs to the toilet (mainly to check my make-up).

Granted I was up there for a little while and as I stepped out of the cubicle she was standing before me and pushed me back in, to my surprise she pushed me against the cubicle wall and I asked her what she was doing, she said she thought this was what I wanted as she pulled aside my knickers and finger fucked me, I was not quite wet enough but she didn't care and neither did. I had to grab her around the shoulders to steady myself as she made me come.

I was so flustered and dazed.

We left the bar and moved onto another in the heart of SOHO. As we drank we were definitely deliberately teasing each other from across the table with our eyes, our words and eventually we had to go back to mine. The sex that followed was amazing, she dominated me so expertly I didn't have a choice, my submission was hers for the taking and I wanted her to feel 'all powerful' over me and revel in it. That she did. And she made me pay. I deserved it.

She was able to read my body like no one has ever done before and that is something I crave, the intensity between us was raw and that is something I constantly crave. I didn't sleep more than 5 hours that entire weekend, every time I tried, as I turned my back to doze off she would gently grab my waist from behind and press herself against me.

That sends me wild and once discovered, she knew and used it well. I think the fact she was a Police woman and in charge of a team of people also turned me on. She knew how to be in control and she knew how to push me to the limit enough to keep me wanting more, even when I thought I knew I couldn't take any more.

I loved the way she would tell me her darkest fantasies whilst fucking me, I wanted to be the helpless characters in them for her, I wanted to help her live them consensually. I came even more alive through her story telling, stories I wont ever repeat but no doubt her new wife now knows all about.

I can not even begin to describe how she made me feel, it was not about having an orgasm for me, sex never is. For me it's the journey, the teasing, the roles, the "dance", the head fuck. The sensations that overwhelm me when I know the Butch top is gaining more strength through power and getting aroused by being in control of my mind and body, you see in life I am in control and in charge, well as much as one can be, but in the bedroom I like that control taken away-but only by one who knows what they are doing -so that I can trust and reveal myself.

It ended far too quickly, I didn't get the chance to really explore my sub side, this was over a year ago now. Why did it end so quickly? I wanted kids and she didn't, she also didn't want to just fuck and see how things go. So to save getting deeper we called the whole thing off. You cant force someone to want kids when they don't and you cant force someone to not have them.

Am I sad? yeah a little but only because it took me nearly 10 years to open up and find what my kink was and then to find someone who just got it. To find that again will be hard I think.

I haven't got a clue where to start looking, finding her was not planned, if only she eventually wanted kids as well as a relationship wih me, they choice was there, I knew she wanted me back then. I only hope she is happy now and can only wish her the best.

Blown away

2007-09-18T21:27:00.000+01:00

Hey, I'm feeling a little better today, well this evening anyway, and thanks to my juicer.

After I got my juicer home last night I didnt have any fruit or veg good enough, so I chucked what I had out and decided that today after work I would buy some more.

Once home I start to wash and chop 2 carrots, 1/4 cucumber and two celery sticks with one orange.

The result was amazing!! My juicer is the fucking bollocks!! I love it. I was so amazed I couldnt help saying, "That's so amazing, That's so amazing".

I just have to share the pics with you.

Here just showing you my baby in action, the Pulp is really dry, slightest damp feeling to it.

Here, the amount I got out of my ingredients (including the dried cranberries)

And here, the lack of froth and gritty bits.....ACE!

I also went into Holland & Barratt and bought a lot of goodies including some Spirulina to add to my juices.

Just so you understand how ditzy I am sometimes, I even thought it a good idea to try and extract juice from the packet of dried Cranberries I purchased today....... * blush*

Here is my meal today, I actually enjoyed it... 2 organic discounted beef burgers (100% beef chopped) on a bed of salad and Alfalfa with mixed sprouts(not brussels....Yuck)

Not really in the mood to blog feelings today, I think I just want to focus on how fit I am going to be and how I will get pregnant by hook or by crook or a few operations. I am staying focused and determined to lose the weight.

Will blog more tomorrow eve....maybe. Watching the Reality channel about a real life haunting in Georgia. Mwaaa haa haaa. Night xx

NOW I'm FUCKING PISSED

2007-09-17T17:46:00.001+01:00

One of my posts has mysteriously been deleted by the system......... I AM PISSED AS HELL, all these fucking glitches why did I bother with BLOGGER???

NO wonder people are leaving!!

FUCKING HELL... that one was everything happening in my life with SB and some real emotional stuff of reference and relevance to everything else going on in my life.....GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

FUCK!!!

Happy Monday my arse!

2007-09-17T10:09:00.000+01:00

Morning,

01:03am I get a call from SB, I had only just managed to doze off to sleep and could not have been sleeping for longer than 40 mins when the phone rang rather loudly from under the pillow next to me. I ignored it. then I heard my text message go off. I ignored that too.

I was not being "cold" in fact I was doing the risk assessment in my mind that I have found I do so often when having communications with her. Was it a good idea to read the text now and possibly not get back to sleep for hours with work in the morning? or ...Should I ignore it and try not to worry that it will be something of high emergency and get back to sleep in a fraction of the time?

It was a hard decision to make, I would never want to ignore her in her time of need or what if something bad was happening to her and she called me and I later found out she was dead or being hurt? I would never and could never forgive myself ever.

So I read it in the morning before work, hoping it was nothing but instead it said:

Please talk to me im thinkin bout doing horrible things to myself

I was worried, I was upset, I don't want her to hurt as much as she is, I know she is sorry for all she has said but it does not change the fact she said them. I realised in that instant that she was manipulating me yet again and I also realised even though I cheated on her with two different people in the same time frame when we were in the first year of our relationship, I did so not because I wanted to hurt her or get my own back, I did so because she was hurting me so much, being abusive and violent.

It was not about her it was about me needing someone who didn't want to hurt me even though I still loved her and wished she would change. But when she hurts me, it is intentional and she goes for the jugular, like the time she called me a.....

Black Whore.

OH NO SHE DIDN'T!!!... yes ...She did.... we split and she grovelled for months trying to get me back

She knew it would hurt -even though she was drunk- and also that I didn't tolerate racist remarks even in anger towards ANY race of people, to me I don't care how angry that person makes you, I would never ever say something bad about them that was unchangeable such as their skin colour, disability, culture etc.... That to me shows you have that in you and no matter how hard you try to deny it and say

It was only because I was angry, I said it in anger

It does not change the fact you said it, I would call you a fat bitch if I knew you ate junk food all the time and was too lazy to do anything about it if I am angry at you. but even then I don't generally have those insults pop into my head even in retaliation to something racist said to me, that's just mean and hurtful I am much more inclined to attack your behaviour or character. Is it just me!?!

Anyway... I sat on my bed and allowed myself to cry then I decided I had no choice but to text 'STUD' and ask her to make sure SB is ok as I didn't feel up to communicating with her even via a text message.

I got a call from STUD a few minutes later saying that she left a message on SB's voicemail but she didn't think anything was wrong with SB only she went out the night before got drunk and probably was feeling bad at the time, so nothing more is wrong with her than being drunk and trying to manipulate me as she is not getting any kind of response.

STUD also told me that she had been talking for hours on the phone to SB during Sunday afternoon and she was fine and said she was going to go out and party with friends.

I felt better knowing that she was OK.

I feel like shit again today, usually no matter what is going on with me I can put on a good mood for work but not today, I feel withdrawn and isolated in my stress, I don't feel like smiling, and I don't feel like talking to anyone even to answer the phone, but I am trying not to make it show. Don't you hate it when people ask you, are you OK? and if you have had a good weekend when you haven't? I am using all the strength I have to not say:

NO, IamfeelinglikeshitmyweekendwasworseandIjustwanttodiesilently have you got a hanky?

Breathe.....

Aside from that I had a very large package waiting for me at work today......YEP you guessed it ...My JUICERRRRRR!! That cheered me up somewhat. I can't wait to get juicing. I will post pics of my first attempt.

Speaking of which....

Here are the pics I said I would post in my previous posting about flowers received from SB on Saturday.

I have also decided to post pictures of meal ideas I concoct to help with my new healthy food combining regime. For those who don't know what 'Food Combining' is, it is also known as the 'Hay diet' . Basically not to mix carbohydrates such as rice, bread and pasta, potatoes etc.. with protein such as meat, fish, eggs etc..

http://www.formerfatguy.com/food-combine.asp

This is the second dish done in my new slow cooker prepared and set to cook for Sunday from the night before on a medium setting, should be ready by lunchtime Sunday Ha ha:

2 chicken thighs (without skin)

2 chicken legs (without skin)

4 whole carrots (chopped)

2 large whole onions (chopped)

2 handfuls of broad beans

2 handfuls of green and red lentils (I think they are neutral)

1 Handful of Golden linseed's

Black pepper and mixed herbs

1 pint of vegetable and chicken stock

A few dashes of soy sauce instead of salt and HEY PRESTO!!... (say that as you put it all in the pot and cover with the lid)

Here is the dish I concocted on Saturday after I returned from the Leisure centre

A handful of King prawns

A handful of chopped Salmon and Rainbow trout Pieces

1 small onion

some freshly chopped ginger (to taste)
Olive oil

And stir fry in a wok and served on a bed of salad and cucumber and cherry tomatoes and topped with Golden linseed's.

So what do you think? ....

Sick

2007-09-16T21:00:00.000+01:00

My mood has changed, I think it started when my phone rang and it was SB. I didn't answer it.

Since, I have sat crying in the bath water, wishing my life was less difficult, it just feels like a struggle, I ache for a child and I have to go through so much for it and it isn't even here yet, and may never be. I am sick of loving someone who can say such hurtful things to me, I'm sick of not having a good fuck by a butch Top whenever I need it.

I am sick of rarely -like once every two years rarely - being sexually satisfied as a Bottom. I'm sick of being strong for everyone else, I'm sick of living alone but when I don't it never lasts, I'm sick of crying, sleeping in an empty bed every night, sick of London, sick of not feeling at all special, sick, sick sick of it all!

And most of all sick of feeling pre-menstrual.

This is how I get when I am 'Due On'...I cry a lot, I feel sorry for myself and I comfort eat.....not usually junk as I cant keep that stuff in my house but like today, I finished all the soup I made last night in the new slow cooker, gradually going back in the pot throughout the day....Need I say I am now farting like a trooper in between sobs and worrying what the heck I will do tomorrow when I cant fart freely in the office, as surely someone will ask me what died behind the radiator over the weekend?!

I need a strong, 6ft + tall, stone butch Top with a sturdy strap-on to take all my frustrations, fears and anxieties away and who will expertly assume total control/dominance over me for as long as I need it.

I hate feeling this low, I just cry and feel guilty for crying because things could be a lot worse, almost as though I don't feel like I have the right to cry. That only makes me feel worse.

Two posts in one day is that normal?!

God I need a cuddle right now.

A day of Blog things about me

2007-09-16T10:45:00.000+01:00

Have yet to do anything, need to clean my home and contemplating going to Aqua Fitness class for the first time today.....I'll let you know what I decide later.

OOhh OOHhh Ooh!! I always do these personality tests and post them on message boards in the games forum but until now I have never had a blog to post my 'Blog Things' on.... so today I will be posting all the tests about me, no cheating, no only posting the positive results, I will post them all..... most of them were pretty accurate in the past and anyway I thought I would add a little more diversity and interest to my blog... I hope you find them as interesting as I do.... not even sure I am that interesting, do you ever think that?

You get a blog, you think "yeah!! I want the world and their mama to know what I think and what I go through in my life" then..... you wonder, does anyone even read it? I guess the trick is to do it for you then if someone finds your stories interesting, inspiring, encouraging and hopefully funny if that is your intention, then that's all good. I digress...

So here is my first blog thing about Family:

Your Family Is 19% Dysfunctional

While every family has its problems, your family is definitely better than most.
You probably communicate well, and even if you disagree, you don't let it ruin relationships.
Consider yourself lucky for having such a great family. Believe it or not, it's pretty rare!
It may be hard to appreciate what you have at times, but it could be a whole lot worse.

That's pretty accurate to be honest, my mother and brother are my family the rest are relatives I don't see them often at all so.... but the three of us are strong and very very close we have respect for each other and we never have huge rows but we do disagree. When my mother and I are together we laugh till we both choke. On the other hand 'G' my baby brother is very quiet not too quiet like, you wonder if he is sneaky and up to no good quiet, just, 'not sure what he is thinking unless you ask him' quiet.

I guess because I talk to much the contrast is a little strange for me.

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.
You are always tactful and diplomatic. You let people down gently.
You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly.
You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

WOW!!! Ok I am not gullible, but these things are pretty good.

I am doing the tests again and just choosing the answers that best represent me and how I feel... this one surprised me. It is true I do tend to keep a lot to myself which is probably why I decided to do this blog in the first place.

I don't like writing much and in the past my journals have been found, so this seemed the perfect way to have a little anonymity and still say what I like without being censored or restrained in anyway. I do change friends quickly but that is not because I am flaky, just because my life is always changing and I only have one friend who can keep up and who has fully accepted me and my faults too...

I love her very, very much we will call her 'Stud'. She is boyish, slim very funny and honest and has the kindest heart of anyone I have met. Even though she has all the qualities I look for in a match, I don't find her sexually desirable, but she gets shit loads of women from straight women to nurses at the hospital when she cut her hand.....

More about 'Stud' in a later post. Today is all about ME!!!! :o) Yaaay!!

O.K... Let's see... what test should I do next... hmmm?

You Are 74% Real

You know who you are, and you're pretty darn comfortable with yourself.
Like everyone, you struggle with the parts of yourself that aren't so great...
But you're good at accepting who you are and not dwelling on your faults.
As a result, you're confident, optimistic, and very real.

That's not bad.. thought it would have been higher though, but I guess the fact I don't tell a lot of people about me lowers my percentage.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."

Conscientiousness:

You have medium conscientiousness.
You're generally good at balancing work and play.
When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.
But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.

Agreeableness:

You have medium agreeableness.
You're generally a friendly and trusting person.
But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.
You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.

Neuroticism:

You have low neuroticism.
You are very emotionally stable and mentally together.
Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly.
Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

This test made me want to cry when I got to the neuroticism section, thinking back on the shit that has happened in my life I have had no choice but to "bounce back quickly". Sometimes SB would say I am a cold bitch, ice maiden, frosty and that I didn't care. She was soo wrong.... I am able to move forward even when I feel like I am going to crumble to dust because I have to be objective and have had to learn from an early age to get on in life you have to sometimes switch off.

I learnt that from my mum, watching her deal with issues of poverty and sometimes abuse from my father, having to leave us and going to do over night care work so that she could be there for us in the morning before we went to school and still put food in our mouths and decent clothes on our backs.

I know now that must have broken her heart to have to do that sometimes. The trust she must have had `in me at such a young age. I think that is why to this day I will always be my mothers right hand and any thoughts of suicide now, would just fade whenever I think about how it would crush her and all the strength she has would just be hanging inches away from steel spikes. I couldn't do that to her.

Wow these are turning into a good source of discussion and frankness from me to you..how unexpected, I am even shedding tears, that will probably be the build up of everything I am going through lately. O.K..... NEEEEEXT!!

Something a little more light hearted.... My star sign is Capricorn so this was also a good one...

You are 60% Capricorn

One more...

You Communicate With Your Body

This isn't as bad as it sounds, it just means that you're a "touchy-feely" person.
You need a lot of affection in your life. And for you, this means both giving and receiving little touches.
Warm hearted, you bond with people easily. In fact, you often feel a little sad when you're not in the company of others.
A little moody, you tend to be controlled by your emotions. But a big hug always comforts you!

How Do You Communicate?

I don't get hugged enough I must admit.

OK Maybe that is enough for today.. they are highly addictive and al ot of fun, I may post some more later...... enjoy ya Sunday xx

OK just before I officially sign off for this hour I have to share with you the funniest show.. 'Runs House' on MTV Base its hilariously funny but a reality documentary about Run and his family, run used to be the other half of the well known 'Run DMC' from back in the day.....

"She's a HUMAN!!!"

2007-09-15T20:04:00.000+01:00

This is funny, saw it on someone elses page and wanted to share it with you, this guy cant be for real.

I wanted to share some pics with you but the USB lead is at work so I will do it on monday.

I got up today and went to the leisure centre to do the 'Total Body Workout' class. I knew it was not going to be easy but fuckin' ell I almost died after doing step movements for 40 mins.

Now, I KNOW how to co-ordinate but you know what!?! after 20 mins all my co-ordination went out the window, I looked like an Octopuss on an 'E', arms flaing, legs struggling and all this to music, can you imagin the site? Pathetic was what it was.

I couldnt wait for the torture to be over, I felt like I wasn't black, like the blood of James Brown didnt flow through my veins and my ears from such an early age..... embarassing. Anywaaaay....

I couldnt wait to get in the pool and swiftly headed towards my locker downstairs, which was packed with my shopping from the Tesco's shop that I had decided to do before the class started, as I knew I would be too tired afterwards.

I went into the steam room which so happened to be 'Women Only' session and ended up talking to a group of women all from different walks of life and age groups, one was Australian Greek, one was Irish, one was Nigerian, one was Jamaican, one was Pakistani and their ages ranged from 29-55. A really good discussion ensued.

I am sure one was a lesbian, she worked for the Terrence Higgins Trust was always refering to her "partner" and in one comment she got pretty narky when one woman commented that her daughter also in training, like the said woman to be an STD advisor/nurse would probably be looking at penises all day, the woman got preeeeety shirty and indignant, and the fact she said that all Vaginas are different but most penises look the same, much to the woman's amazement. Anyway that was good enough for me. LLLLLLLesbiAN!!!

I then decided I had had enough and needed a swim now the pool was open. I got talking or rather I was accosted by this young girl who wanted to talk... ok... I thought, friendly girl, I asked her if she had come with her parent/s siblings or friends in an attempt to figure out why she was trying to make conversation with me, on doing so I felt really awkward almost like I was phishing, or I was an unsavoury character, but I only wanted to encourage her to go off and play with who ever she came with, afterall, I thought she has gotta be no older than 13/14 and here I am a big grown 30 year old woman I would have nothing to talk to her about.

Even though I like the youth and have considered Youth work to help them with any issues they may have, being around teenagers especially girls can make me nervous, I think that is due to my sexuality and not wanting to give them the wrong impression so I make big efforts to stay far and wide.

You see because I dont "hide" my sexuality but I dont look like a stereotype lesbian and I would not want it to come out that I am - which it will as I am an open person - and have a young girl think any of my actions were motivated by you know, gosh I cant even say it, its gross to think people could look at youngsters, young CHILDREN and think anything sexual.. it turns my stomach. Anyway.....

I kept my distance but she obvioulsy wanted to talk so, I adjusted my mindset to that of a younger person and made small talk to be friendly and asked her if she could do handstands underwater and somersaults just to be friendly, and didnt make tooo much effort to entertain her and infact I even went off for a swim on my own just to hopefully encourage her to go off and play with people her own age.

Well before I know it, bless her little heart, we are talking full flow, it started when she asked me what was the best way to lose weight and what exercise should she do to help? So.... I said that eating well and swimming, playing sports or dancing are fun ways to lose it.

From that moment on we had a nice discussion about weight and how much she would like to lose and that she wanted to be a vet and was going to college to do so this summer...... It turns out she was 16, and even though it still felt a bit weird, the fact she was asking for my advice made it easier.

An hour later she is confiding in me that she has smelly feet and doesnt know what to do about it and I try to be as honest and candid as I can about a problem that she is very embarassed about, at first it was an out of the blue question...

"What makes people have smelly feet?"

It took me by surprise..... I said it could be a number of things, mainly sweat and sometimes fungus, she then asked me what could someone use, I delicately shared an experience with her about sometimes having smelly feet in trainers and that making sure that you always wear clean cotton socks and maybe get some tea tree oil to rub on your feet after having a shower or bath and that also there are sprays and powders that could help and that it is a very common issue and not to feel too bad about it but pop along to the doctor and they could advise you better and maybe even give you a treatment of creams and potions to help.

The smile on her face was priceless, we then talked about her grades at school and she was very honest about her weight issue and laziness in losing it, to be honest it was a really nice conversation, I tried to help aleviate some of her fears and insecurities about herself when asked. We talked candidly about how being over weight makes your thighs rub together and that she uses nappy rash cream to help stop the soreness and it has worked but it doesnt stop them rubbing..... I said Honey! the only thing that will stop that is for us to lose weight... she saw the humour and laughed in agreement, we both have to lose 3stone.

I think for 2 hours I made a young girl feel normal and maybe a little less alone with some of her issues, that really made me smile particularly as I was always sure to let her steer the conversation and I kept it all about her only telling her about me to help her see that it is all ok and she is not the only one that has these issues but she can change them. I felt like a mentor or that cool aunt everyone has.

At 14:55 we decided to get out the pool before the rush as the session ended at 15:00 and I went off and got changed and met her after to say that it was nice talking to her, also I wanted to say that I may be there next week and wish her luck till then on her dieting, I guess I also wanted to say that if she wanted to talk to anyone about stuff and dieting she was free to call me, but I warned her about stalking me...and we laughed but I got a promise that she wouldnt.

I guess because I have always thought about youth work and reaching out to young people I was happy to offer her my ear and also it was so evident she wanted someone to talk to as she said she didnt have friends that she could ask these things and she couldnt talk to her mum or brothers about them even though they were close.

As we walked out the centre into the carpark I offered her one of my new krisp crackers that I had been eating as we said our good byes, she said that her mum had just called whilst she was getting changed and asked her to bring in a doner kebab for her brother and she had to get it on the way home, and that those things made it hard to lose weight so I offered her one of my new seeded-goodness-large enough to eat ya dinner off of-crackers and she loved them so I gave her a whole packet and made her promise that she wouldnt eat any kebab and to eat those instead until she got home to have a healthy meal. She promised.

Walking home I imagined what it would be like to speak to my daughter or son about things that bothered them, my heart felt heavy, which is why when SB in her rage said I didnt deserve kids and there was a reason why I couldnt have any it hurt so deeply. I was walking past all these people with children, talking to them so harshly, shouting and screaming at them.......it makes me sad some people treat their kids that way.

As I reached my front door I had a large box waiting for me... surely this isnt my JUICERRRR... OMG...!! No... alas it was too light weight and had a huge tape around it giving clear instructions to be delivered before Noon... I got in, dropped my bags and opened it....it was fresh flowers from SB with a huge note...

I know this is for the best. I am not trying to change things.
I am really sorry for what I said
Love always XX

I cried, I still love her alot but I could never forget what she said....she could have spent a bit more on the flowers though, cheap skate.

I'll post pics of them on Monday, they are beautiful. I cant even put them in a vase on my table, it still feels so raw...... I want to move on to someone else, I want to be ready and open for whoever comes along, But I know that is going to take a loooooong time, just because I am so hurt, it took me 18 months to feel ready for even dating the last time.

well... I am off to bed now, enjoy the video...it pathetically funny.

New Shoes, New Attitude!

2007-09-14T19:52:00.000+01:00

Oh yes!!! I bought new trainers today wearing them now in fact, yep sitting here in my underwear with my spanking new kicks on, Sexxyyyyyy! :o), not just any pair but this pair of 'New Balance'.

I am only wearing them to see how comfortable they are, NB are supposed to be the best in training/running shoes on the market, particularly for their longevity, wear-ability and value for money.

I had intended on going to the Leisure Centre today to make good use of my monthly membership but instead I sorted out my finances and set about walking 2 miles (can I get a round of applause?) to the nearest shopping centre to get myself a pair of running shoes so that I would be able to walk comfortably on the second half of my journey home from work which is at least a mile.

On deciding this I stumbled upon a website that gives you routes anywhere in the UK to walk, how long it will take walking fast, medium and slow also how many calories the single journey will burn.... I was very surprised that walking 2 miles doesn't burn many calories at all... I worked out that I only burnt off... wait for it.... 163cals, fuck me! I burn more than that worrying about shit!!!

Ahh well I wont give up, at least if I don't go to the gym I can console myself in the fact I walked two miles and built some muscle in my flabby legs.

I first went into 'JD sports' and saw a pair for £60, "not bad" I thought being the latest design and all that... My Nike 'Rifts' cost more than that and I have 4 pairs and counting. So I got them, but not one to miss a bargain as my mates well know, I passed JJB and just had to stop by and see if I got a good deal. I instantly saw a pair I liked almost as much that cost only £24.99 and so it was decided..... needless to say I took the other pair back for a full refund and when asked why by the Sales Assistant I said

"Found a pair I liked cheaper elsewhere"

......Yet kept the bag.... I have NO shame! Hahaha!

Anyway....Bought two pairs of those high waisted-shaper-shorts thingies the other day shopping on Idealworld late one night, was a B.O.G.O.F how could I resist?! They came this morning..... I couldn't wait as I squeeeeeezed and squaaaaaashed myself into a pair, meticulously squidging every bit of fat in its place to get that "perfect look"... By the time I had finished I was too scared to fart in case I ripped a hole in the 'Oh-so-tight-and-lifted' buttock area, so I wore them under my Skinny Jeans. WONNDERFUL DARLING!

I am really sleepy now so off to settle down and watch some Music videos (and perv) then hopefully catch a horror movie on my newly installed Cable TV... I wonder how long will I have this service before I become disconnected and blacklisted LOL... damn I am too old for that shit, gone are the days you ordered stuff in another name.... Hahaahaa.. Just kidding MUM!!

Night x

Mo' Work Mo' Money

2007-09-13T20:50:00.000+01:00

Well after waking up today aching slightly, I killed time on the net purchased my new juicer for £199, (expensive I know but all will become clear soon) bought my mum some clothes rails, ordered another set top box for the boudoir and sorted out my TV licence then made my way to work.

They have offered me a good run of a few months I think I may take it although it definately is NOT what I want to do as I am working to become a PA in media preferbly for someone famous or high profile, but for now this will do, at least it is money coming in right...

Anyway last time posted I said I would tell you all about what has been happening. OK well here goes... you sitting comfortably I will try to cut out the boring bits.

Coming home after a day out avoiding the carnival I was waiting on the silverlink train platform for the next train when I spotted a man pacing up and down the open air platform getting agitated and almost looking for a confrontation from the many passengers also waiting.

He made his way over to us and started saying the word N***** as he paced infront of us (SB is white).

I told her not to do anything as he was a pr*ck. I ignored him as he carried on for the next 5mins till the train came, pacing infront of myself and one other black man repeating it.

As the train pulled in, we stood back to make sure he didn't follow us into the same carriage, we rushed to another carriage hoping he didn't see us but he did and tried to follow us into the carriage, as he was trying to get on I said very loudly not to let him on as he was racially abusive and SB - already in a packed carriage -tried to block him from getting on, as this happened I was arguing with him saying I was not going to share the same carriage as this man as he called me a f***ing N***** completely unprovoked and pushed him off the train just before the doors closed shut.

I am annoyed because I think he got what he wanted from his pathetic existence -a reaction-from someone, anyone. I always stick up for what I think is right and don't usually get physical as I think no-one has the right to put their hands on another but I was furiously adamant I didn't want to share the same space with him giving him the opportunity to abuse me further, afterall no one on the platform said anything so for him that would have been a green light.

I was patted on the back by two other black people on the packed train after the incident, but I still wanted to cry, I was humiliated in public because of my race and usually so strong two days later I felt like crap and was too embarrassed at the time to tell my family or friends who know me.

It's been many years since I have been racially abused and I forgot how much it hurts, I'm glad I did something but annoyed I think he won.......it took a while to sink in as I tried to downplay it and reassure SB whilst she was staying with me, she was feeling guilty she didn't do more (but I am not angry at her, there was nothing more rational she could have done at the time)

So that was that....then

SB and I Had our first counselling session as a couple and it went ok, we were both open to it and even became tearful, I think she realised how harsh she treated me. Anyway we came out there feeling slightly awkward but ok and hopeful.

Had a few weeks to mull over what was discussed and we soent some time together but nothing sexual nand we had a great laugh.......until that is it all went pearshaped.

One weekend she lost it all because my best mate had asked if I had heard from her and if she was ok and i said yes, that was all..... but SB didnt wnat me to mention ANYTHING ot my best mate and basically lie, i didnt get that and she hit the roof and stormed out then stormed back in and threw something at my head which i later realised was a pack of the sunday paper, It was pretty hard, anyway I tried to keep calm buyt she started kicking things and trying to smash stuff. She eventually calmed down after lots of shouting from us both and she wanted to make it all ok, I asked her to leave and said I didnt think we should be around eachother for awhile.

For a few days I had little necesary contact or no contact with her, by the thrusday she called me to ask if I wanted to go to the theatre, I thanked her and declined as it wasnt my thing what she was going to see... actually she booked the tickets for that in advance for her mum as a surprise but they had had an argument and she decided to call me.

I knew something was up so I called her back and asked if she wanted to talk I could tell by her voice she was mad and the only person asoide from me that gets her that angry is her mother, dad or brother..didnt take a genius......

Well she snapped and said NO then told me that we have nothing in common and the sessions were a waste of time - by this point we had had 2 sessions in total - and she said I should call up and cancel the next one due the following Friday.

I left it for 30mins or so and then sent her a text to ask if she was sure as if I didnt give the woman a weeks notice we would still have to pay, her reply "Yes, Cancel" so I DID. I then got a call asking if i did it already and when i said yes she basically gave me the guilt trip and took her anger out on me then hung up.

I didnt speak to her for awhile and when she texted me and apologised I accepted but didnt want to speak to her for a while as I had the big hospital consultation on the following Monday and I was nervous and I didnt want to have to deal with her shit.

Well monday at the hospital : OK... Found out I have Endometriosis in addition to Fibroids AND Polycystic Ovaries. The fibroids they are not concerned about affecting my fertility but they are going to perform Laparascopic surgery - to determine and treat the Endometriosis and polycystic ovaries - which is a key hole procedure into my belly button to zap me where needed and to drill holes in my ovaries.

Am I worried? yep! As don't even know if after that I will get pg anyway, and I have never been under general anaesthetic before but going through with it.

I also have been told I need to lose 3 Stone, hence why I am exercising and trying to eat healthy, OH! and why I bought a very expensive juicer, figured might as well do it right and I wanted one that I would be sure would last and it got reviews on WHICH? website so... what better reason besides I can buy huge bowls of fruit on the highstreet for a £1, so when it arrives I should be juicing happy.

So that is more or less the story so far will update you on more tomorrow.... I am now off to put my feet up and eat more Farleys Rusk...oh damn they're finished. Oh well.

I have added a few links to pages that will help explain the surgery on this side >>>>

All Made Up

2007-08-21T21:42:00.000+01:00

Well what can I say, I am still beaming from the P!nk concert I got to touch the goddess herself OMG!!

I woke up early on the Tuesday as I couldnt sleep... 4am early... I know, I know. Anyway I pottered around the house for a bit and decided to start getting ready about 8, was out the house by 10.10 and arrived at Brixton tube at about 11.15am, walked to the venue, saw a couple people there but I was busting to go wee and get some breakkie before I assumed my place in the queue.

Opted for cheap maccy D's and promptly laid eyes on a group of fellow P!nk fans who had the same idea, I made small talk and they invited me over to their table where I noticed about 10 of them were chatting and joking. I sheepishly took my place as I waited for my oh so (not delicious) cheese burger. After making introductions and highlighting that I saw one of the members on the P!nk DVD filmed at Wembley.

I made my way back to the venue as I get shy and reserved around groups of people and even though I have a big Personality amongst other things ;) I tend to shy away from trying to vie for attention and on my way back it was like a P!nk convention, I made my way to the line and got given a raffle ticket for myself and SB who I assured the security Guard was coming to join me later. 89 & 90.

I made jokes and talked and listened to stories of meeting P!nk and how she had managed to change their lives and who was her biggest fans and all of a sudden I felt rather out of place... I was not this P!nk fanatic, i almost felt like I didnt do my conversation partners justice as I had no stories for them other than I liked her form 2001 and never looked back but dont collect her chewing gum wrappers or buy her green frogs to add to the collection she probably gives to charity anyway. Can you imagine 30.000 frogs sitting in your home??... Arrgghhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Finally SB arrived with my dinner ( yet another burger from Mac D's but the choice was limited and I did suggest it) and a chocolate milkshake Mmmmm...

I was really pleased to see her, she still makes me smile through it all... counted its almost 5 years since we met...ok so I am rounding off the numbers but hey! Unlike my past P!nk concert buddy, SB was enthusiastic got on with the crowd I had befriended and was generally a good laugh, she bought me a Pair of Pink flashing Bunny ears I loved them, they were later to almost cause WWIII... more on that later.

Anyway finally the crowd started to move and we were all gobsmacked when we noticed that the queue had gone all the way AROUND the brixton academy and back out onto the road and almost down to the traffic lights, BOY was I glad I got there early, you may laugh at the time of my arrival but imagine at that time i was only number 89!!! they stopped giving out Raffle tickets by the time it got to 101...Oh did i forget to mention WHY the Raffle ticket system was implemented?... Sorry... because there were many of us that wanted to go and get something to eat, go for a walk or a piss or simply a change of scene these ensured no one jumped queue or lost their place.

Finally getting into the venue there was a bag search... BLAST less time to get to the front before others, anyway I finally made it and was only 2 people away form the front, being tall I didnt have a problem with this..IIonly secretly wished i was the first but for that I would have had to queue from the night before evidently.

As the crowds moved in people tried to assume strong positions and test their cameras were working.... only to then have them confiscated by the security till after the show.. I kept mine but fat lot a good that was Grrrr... NO pics that could be seen, GUTTED.

well the Support act came on and well lets say the crowd were not interested in them and even started to chant

" WHO ARE YA? WHO ARE YA?"

..... Poor guys, it was embarassing, then they started to shout...

" WE WANT PINK!"

I was mortified and thought it really rude, as I explained to a
new found buddy, the acts are SUPPORTING P!nk therefor we should be polite
at least. anyway they gave it their best shot.

After they fininshed trying to get the crowd ready and failing pretty miserably in my opinion, the stage went dark for them to re-adjust the sound and lighting for the goddess.

During this time some Skank decided that my bunny ears wear offending her and she couldnt see the darkened stage.... obviously she wanted to see the stage equiptment, either that or she wanted to pick a fight, anyway when she called out

Oi BUGSY Take off ya ears!!

I decided to make a joke of it and thought being that we were in high spirits she would see the funny side so I replied...

Me? take of my ears? their PINK are you mad?

She didnt see the funny side and got arsey so.. I duly ignored her, she continued to shout and holla that my ears were in the way so finally I decided to reply...

If you had asked me nicely and not been such a smart mouth bitch I would
have...So NO I wont.

To a round of cheers and praises, much to my surprise... the next 20 mins were her trying to nab my ears off me and pushing other people forward, when someone brought it to my attention she was trying to nab them I spun round and shouted.

Trust me... you dont wanna do that

Needless to say it ceased and I didnt want any more confrontation so ignored her grumbles and offending comments about my ears and her empty threats. Finally someone reported her to a security guard and they watched her the whole concert

During which time i then had to intervene in another confrontation just to stop it from escalating, the offender was clearly very drunk and after a few words from me he soon calmed down and the offendee was placated... she was a scary looking dyke and sure she would have eaten his brain for dinner.

Anyway I GOT TO TOUCH HER!!!!!!!!!!!

P!NK .. I think your skin is the softest I have ever felt....*drool*

I would definately go again and if I had known the raffle ticket system I would have been back the following day to get mine then go home and sleep for a few more hours.

SB stayed over. On the way home we grabed a Ken-Duty fried chicken meal and went back to mine, no rumpy pumpy just lost of talks and laughs about the night and what would have happened if it had all kicked off, she is a "sturdy girl" and if shit hits fan with us we are in it like Bruce and Jet Li.... I know she will always have my back and even though I am femme I know she knows I would kill for her if needs must.

Anyway we spent the next couple of days together chatting and watching movies and avoiding relationship type talk or talking about "US" and just enjoyed eachothers company.... it was'nt hard. we even manged to sleep in the same bed and not get fruity.

Latest update 11.9.2007:

I am sorry it has been awhile, I have been going through alot. Racist abuse, violent out bursts, counselling sessions, news from the hospital and lots of crying ...sooo much has happened you wouldnt believe it, I am not in a great place right now emotionally but have some stories to share, so bear with me....and through all this...thinking about one person in particular makes me smile.

Right now though I have just come from the gym and my first lesson in Yoga and a swim so off to bed as really tired but will tell all tomorrow night as I now have the internet at home and I have my laptop back.

Happier moods....

2007-08-13T14:51:00.000+01:00

Tomorrow I am off to see the amazing P.I.N.K in concert.

I saw her for the first time last year on 4th Dec 2006 even though I have been and "Admirer" since her first album dropped back in 2000. I say " Admirer" simply because I do not class myself as a "fan-atic", I had never seen her live before then.

I had seen the 2002 Brixton gig televised about 2003 on Channel 4 I think it was at about 1am and I was just enthralled, I thought then she was amazing and I wished I had known about it so I could get tickets.....and now.. Woohooo she is doing it again.

I heard there is an 'After party' on the following night after the second Brixton Gig but I am not sure if I should go, the chances of her being there are probably very low/non-existent anyway.

I am not going to the 'V Festival', to be honest I would only be going to see her and at least at Brixton I will get up close - well closer than if I was in a big park. I am not one for festivals I dont like getting muddy and dirty and stuff..ewwww Me? Glastonbury? NO way

I guess the only thing I wish nowadays is that I had my old music connections, I got used to being spoilt and going backstage and meeting the celebs/performers, I have met Mary J -ust so sexy Blige, Joe, Nia Long, Bobby Brown, Ralph Tresvant, Bell Biv Devoe, Whitney Houston, James JT Taylor of Kool and the Gang, Busta Rhymes, Teddy Riley and Blackstreet, Brownstone, Genuine, Donnell Jones, ...oh man the list. Anway as you may have noticed they are all Hip-Hop or R'n'B artists from a little while back so my list needs a little updating.

I miss those days sometimes.....

I used to be able to blag myself backstage in them days, oh the good ole days. Well I am going with SB she wants to come with me after all, I am glad, at least I now know she doesn't think me a 'Skank'. She has been quite nice actually and we are going back to the counsellor next week, fingers crossed we get it all sorted.

I am having the weirdest feelings, I don't know if it is the drug Clomid or if I am pg but I get dull cramps in the area of my ovaries and I have been feeling really tired as of late, maybe it's emotional stress making me physically tired, Oh my favorite one... Maybe it's wind.

My Mate KJ who in my last post ran into a Deer and asked me to be a character reference

Yeah she runs over Deer but she is sound...Honest

Well bless her cottons she sent me a pair of cinema tickets to watch a movie of my choice just to say thank you for being a friend.....woohoo HOSTEL II here I come.

God the first one is horrible I managed to talk SB out of going to that place in eastern Europe with her Ex just before we got back together the last time, and just to convince her further I made her watch it......she hates Horrors.. Mwaaahaaahaaaa, needless to say she didn't go much to the bewilderment of her Ex LOL...Oh well.. they were breaking up anyway... nothing to do with me I will add

I have a weird dull headache today, I think it is because I ate an apple on an empty stomach and the acid gives me a headache, they are playing Amy Wino on the radio... I used to like her stuff but now I just think she is sooooo OVERRATED.

Well to be honest, today I don't have that much to say.... since I started this blog I find myself thinking

Ooh I can add that to my blog next time I update

But I always forget. I guess I hope that it will be an interesting read but starting to think... " maybe I am not that interesting" ahh well it's early days yet :o)

Went into Mac D's today at lunch with my Ma' after a meeting, you wouldn't usually catch me in Mac D's unless I was getting a Milkshake, I don't like their food but it was quick and my Ma likes it so I decided to take her, well got the New BBQ Chicken burger with Bacon thingy meal at the extortionate price of £4.09 or something near that, a little more I think cos I got a hot chocolate instead of a cold drink anyway.... Sat down to eat mine ate the chips first - as you do cos they don't taste too great cold, took one bite of my burger and noticed a hair in it... EWWWW...

I promptly took it back and pointed it out to the Manager who apologised and replaced it for a fresh( plus fries) one made by himself and he also gave my my money back.. RESULT.

I wouldn't buy it again though, I thought it was naff, slightly bland, far too much Mayo and I didn't like the cheese... ah well at least now I know right :o) Anyway going into the station I heard a saxophone playing busker on the underground so as I passed him I gave him some of the money I got back from my meal.

I really want to go home tonight not feeling well but told someone I would meet them as they are really looking forward to meeting me, I have reservations about her, sounds like she talks the talk but not so sure she can walk the walk, I don't like women too eager anyway I am not meeting her in a sexual way or any intentions of, she is just another person I was approached by when I was looking and now I have told her I am no longer looking she still wants to meet as friends.

I think I should try and go...

I had an argument with my then Sub a few days ago, she wrote something about me that really hurt my feelings simply because she wanted to fuck and I had stuff going on with the ex shortly after we met and had great sex. I was more hurt because she acted like she understood but really was only giving 'Lip service' to get what she wanted.

So I don't feel like talking to her for a little while seeing as it is not the first time she has posted something negative about me in her blog for no reason other than the fact I cant spend as much time with her as she would like due to being emotionally somewhere else.

She knew my ex was on the scene before we got together I told her we were going to couple counselling to sort things out and i didn't know what the future held but in the mean time I was going to have some fun. She said she has feelings for me or could have .. something like that anyway... that's the last thing I want from anyone right now but I can sort of understand where she is coming from, if I was not in such a bind emotionally I would probably ...... But then again I am almost 30 and she is only 21.

Well Bye for now, maybe something amazing will happen soon, if my period doesn't show by Friday/Sat then well..... who knows it has played tricks before ... but lets see huh.

Off to get some Fresh Strawberries & cream from the office kitchen as it was the Director's Bday and we all get to stuff our faces with sweetness....

See you on the next post and I will have some PINK pics for ya.. xx

OMG I'm Blogging!!!

2007-08-07T22:20:00.000+01:00

O..K..... Well where do I start? Just excuse me while I dance with glee and excitement.

Well maybe a little about me might help, I'm a feminine inner city Lesbian, 29 years young Capricorn, oldest daughter and I have one sibling a younger brother who we will call 'G'. I have been a Lesbian all my life but took me till I was about 17/18 to conciously act on it.
I started this blog simply because I have a lot of things I would like to get off my chest about Life, Love and everything in between, so be patient with me as I try to remember to blog and be as honest and real as I am, warts and all.

Today I am finally at work, I freelance you see and well... the money comes slowly sometimes and rapidly at others, But first stop this morning was the hospital yet again. I guess I may as well tell you I am a trying to get pregnant and have been for two years now but only earlier this year was I referred to my local hospital for fertility treatment, and after a few 'Primary infertility' tests I was diagnosed as not ovulating and having fibroids as well as the most recently discovered Polycystic Ovaries ( PCOS).

As you may be able to imagine I am pretty gutted. So every month without fail for the past 3 months I have been taking the drug Clomid, which they have recently doubled from 50mg to 100mg and having internal scans, being prodded and poked and pricked, so now feeling well and truly "Tenderised" and fear I may turn into a "Mad Cow" before long.

Anyway today, being as dippy as I can be sometimes ( more stories on that aspect of me later) I left the house for work got half way to the tube station at 08:30am and realised I was supposed to be at the hospital for another blood test to see if my Progesterone levels have risen at all since last month, which I think was 20 and it should have been in the late 20's early 30's to be considered functioning.

Anyway the bus driver let me off at the lights and I marched all the way back home feeling really out of sorts and annoyed that I was now going to have to wait possibly 2 hours in the rather large queue at the hospital to have my blood taken. Whilst in the hopsital waiting area I passed the time surfing the net on my PDA and reading my latest book 'Affinity' by Sarah Waters.

Eventually I get out and just before I descend the steps into the underground I stop off in Tesco's for 'Brunch'.

Lets hope I don't have to do it all again next month, I tell ya it's quite exhausting this trying to get pregnant lark. Oh I suppose I should also tell you where I am getting the second main ingredient from!?....

Well about 2 years ago I was surfing the net and came across 'Rainbow Network' and saw they had a section of people advertising their desires to become 'Donors', 'Co-parents', 'Mothers' etc and I thought I would post an ad finally after thinking about this for over 5 years.
Well I was shocked at the responses, some where shall we say "Just wouldn't do's" others were just "Plain uglies" and the rest... after exchanging pics they only then wanted to....

"Do it the natural way"

The reason being and I quote

" As it has far more chances of success"

He was just trying to fuck and I tell you now it was NOT going to be this Duck.

Anyhoo, I persevered and was contacted by a delightful man, Asian in his 30's we talked for many months but he was just too far and the practicalities of it were not feasible so, I moved on and decided to reply to someone myself, and I found 'K' as he will be known.

He is Chinese, born here in the UK good looking, average height, good hairline, good teeth and bright eyes. He is in his mid thirties, in a stable committed Gay relationship of 13 years and he comes from a rather large family...by my standards anyway.

I like him because he has a really great sense of humour and is easy to talk to, calm, thoughtful and I know all this because during this time of unsuccessful tries we have become friends and got to know each other fairly well, also having discussed the all important issues such as, what role he will play, what our expectations/reservations are/were and issues like what our own childhoods were like and what our ideal discipline methods were and if they suited the other.

We then went on to be tested for everything including HIV and AIDS and waited for the results to come in from us both before I proceeded with the self insemination.

And now to bring you up to date, I have recently SI'd ( self inseminated) and now in my two week wait (TWW) to see if I have been successful this time, I am trying to be optimistic but it is hard after doing this for so long month after month, it's draining especially when you are going it alone.

I could go on for ever spurned on by the momentum of adrenalin at learning how to Blog but I won't, I will save some for another time.